Tonight marks my first fortnight of blogging, of this experiment in finding my voice (which sounds so f#%&ing cheesy), of trying to figure out exactly what and whom I am and want to be. Today I did a lot of thinking. Thinking about why I say yes to people, to events, to work commitments when I want to say no. Why do I do this? Am I a “yes man”? I don’t want to be in the traditional corporate dog sense – yet I do like to help people around me, I like to please people. Today I chose to once again help a family member for a few hours instead of researching potential money making career paths to get our future move rolling along. I want to help when I can, but I need to focus on my future, my happiness, my today and tomorrow. Today I also tentatively agreed to complete two websites for a family member and one of their friends. I don’t want to be a web designer. I don’t want to cold call people that I don’t know to complete a task for which I have no particular love or passion. I know this and I still said yes.
Wtf? Why is no such a hard thing to say sometimes?
But saying yes is equally difficult. Saying yes to our dreams, to moving where we want, to eating food that makes us feel good mentally & physically, to setting out against the status quo. I’ve spent so much time and energy defending my decisions to go to the school I went to, to quit the cushy corporate job that was dragging me down, to never have kids of my own, to go vegan – and yes that means for life people. All this because my decisions have not been the most common, clear-cut definition of a happy and successful life. Yet I am still not saying yes to some of my most important and cherished dreams. And not to go all self-help on you – but I truly believe that I am the only one standing in the way of my own happiness. I seriously found myself searching the internet for “how to move to Paris” earlier. As I perused the blogs and sites describing other people’s experiences and tips – I had to laugh at my own ridiculousness. Really – I actually just searched for how to move to Paris – how the f#%& do you think you move to Paris you idiot – you sell what you can, donate the rest, pack a couple of bags and buy a plane ticket.
Today’s first is practicing saying yes when I mean yes, and no when I mean no. It’s so simple. It’s harder then it sounds.