Today’s first – it was a bad day. Bad days have happened often these past two years but today was the first since I started this crazy excuse for a blog. It is the first time I have tried to figure out what a bad day means for me and if I can see it coming. It was a day with too much time spent in my own head. Too much time wasted ruminating on past failures and future fears. I know that days like this will come and go for the rest if my life – I just want some respite between them. More time to recover, to come back to the real world and see and hear and breath. I don’t know how else to describe it other then like being lost. Today I was lost and on my own.
Climbing out of depression is like a gradual lightening. You don’t really notice it at first, the brighter light ahead in the trees. But soon there is a distinct glow just before you. It’s there, and before you know it you are surrounded by the light and not entirely sure why you were lingering in the dark for so long. You enjoy the light, revel in it, share it with loved ones and excitedly make plans for your future. You acknowledge the possiblity of a successful and contented future. You get out more, sleep better, you can focus your mind with ease and are more comfortable accepting your fewer but growing strengths along with your still myriad weaknesses. The trouble comes when you’ve been lost a few times, for a little too long – you start to fear the light because you realize how quickly it can end – how quickly you can find yourself back in the shadows of your own mind.
The darkness we create for ourselves is the most frightening, we know what we are most afraid of, our past regrets, our secrets, our thoughts we are too ashamed to share. We are our own best tormentors. The point of all of this open introspection is to have fewer bad days. To understand and try to deter them. Also to be realistic and accept them as they come – but to be prepared to recover quickly and move on in the surrounding light. Today was a bad day, but I have hope that tomorrow will be better.