Day Forty Five

claws

Today…sh-t got real. I was guilted into changing some of the plans I had for my birthday and I was immediately unhappy about said guilt-driven-changes. I was so pissed off, at my family, at myself. After a few hours of wallowing in self-misery I decided to alter my plans back. I don’t want to dread my 30th. I don’t want to worry about anyone saying something to hurt me, or anyone being in a crabby mood and taking it out on me.

That already happened all day today.

We had planned a nice relaxing Mom’s Day for everyone, and it all turned to sh-t. First thing in the morning I was attacked for selling a few cheap frames at the garage sale that apparently were über-important (even though I have never once heard of their apparent irreplaceable appeal). From there a lot of tension clouded the day. We had a delicious brunch at PJ’s Lager House in Corktown and headed to Ikea for some afternoon shopping, but the day was tainted.

I am so tired of talking about the same old sh-t; so for the first time – today I decided what was going to be best for me and said no to anything less. It is liberating and guilt-inducing at the same time. But I guess I am ok with that. I don’t want to lose the instinct to say yes all the time, and to want to please other people. I just want to say no more often when saying yes causes so much unhappiness and stress.

I also cannot wait to turn 30 all of the sudden…it’s weird and I cannot explain it but I feel like it has to be better then this sh-t.

I would also like to add that I am not such a self-absorbed person as I surely come off on this blog. It’s terrifying how opening up and trying to journal via blogging has made me feel/sound so whiney. I typically don’t even tell my love what I am really thinking and feeling on a daily basis. I certainly never tell friends or family – hence the trust issues. This is all a part of the journey I suppose; but please believe when I say that I can’t stand listening to myself whine all over the place either.

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