The Big One

First day of being 30; and it was sweet. More to come and I cannot thank everyone enough for making today a great start to my next decade!

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Day Forty Nine

bwpartyballoons

Well, this is it. The last day of my 20s. I have been dreading this day on and off for a while now. It is no longer because 30 scares me, or I feel old, or anything ridiculous like that. It is because tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I hate that cliché. Isn’t everyday day the first in the rest of your life? The first one you have to get through, to deal with, to check off your list? Sure. But seven weeks ago I set out to define what I am going to accomplish, who I will be, in my next decade on this planet. There is no clear cut definition I can summarize, no way of telling the future and there sure as hell aren’t any answers springing forth to solve my issues. But I have started to develop a clearer image of the immediate future, the person I am, and the person I am becoming. And that future starts tomorrow. And that scares and excites me and that is why I dread it. This is the first day I took my time, enjoyed every minute I had, and every moment I gave myself. I did my hair, did my nails, even my eyebrows – and that is no fun task. But I enjoyed the hell out of it. I didn’t feel guilt. I looked forward to it. And I look forward to tomorrow too. I even told my girls that we are planning on moving and it went quite well.

Day Forty Eight

wisteria

Yesterday my love and I posted our few nicer pieces of furniture on Craigslist – and today we got our first bite! That’s not my first of the day, but still pretty exciting. Today was the first day that I really regretted not doing more on this crazy mission of firsts. It’s been weeks, and I still have some major crossing off to do on the old Life List I put together. Sky diving, visiting exotic locals, passing the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam, all sorts of big checks to administer still. Yet, if there is anything these weeks have taught me – it’s to chill the f-ck out, to appreciate every day for whatever it is and offers and to look forward to living and checking those items off. I have really started to look at my madness and how I fit into the world differently. With that in mind, my inner geek wants to kick it to some of my favorite Harry Potter quotes…because I wasn’t teary eyed enough today.

 

it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be

it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live

it is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities

Day Forty Seven

m83hubmle

Not sure about today. It was a good day in general, no complaints, no real worries, just a run of the mill Tuesday. Still not sure of it though. I guess I give today the kind of look Larry David delivers whenever he is skeptical or suspicious on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Today I experienced a lethal dose of super angry mom, she exploded at me, I reacted kind of like an as-hole but it felt like full on defensive as-hole & she went silent on me for the rest of the evening. Full on 4-yr old temper tantrum silent. Only it lasted a lot longer then a 4-yr old tantrum does, but it was carried out in much the same way. Some pouting, some huffing, some louder-than-necessary movements and I didn’t cave. For the first time, I think ever, I didn’t feel guilty enough to cave and apologize or ask if she was ok or try and placate her by agreeing to buy her that toy she wanted (kidding – she would be totally fine with some candy or ice cream). I don’t even think I remember feeling anything more then a glimmer of guilt. That is crazy talk for me. And like I have promised myself, I cannot be held for the way other people handle situations. I can only be responsible for how I handle myself and how I respond. I am no longer going to take responsibility for loved one’s behaviors, attitudes or opinions. I’ve had it! I am not Solange Knowles, I have never violently attacked anyone in any way and I don’t plan to. That said, I am taking the Jay-Z approach, defensive but only to a point. I will not allow anyone to get the better of me and I will not allow myself to sink to a level I do not wish to exist on.

 

be humble for you are made of earth

be noble for you are made of stars

Day Forty Six

mon.blog

It was a stormy, crazy weather day here. One of those days that makes me so thankful to have my home, shelter, a car, running water, a pantry full of food. It is so easy to just get wrapped up in my own head, in my own bullsh-t. Meanwhile billions around the world are stuck out in the storms, stuck without everything. Just stuck with such little hope for any kind of future. It hurts to think about, that’s why it is so much easier to forget right?

I am aware of how lucky I am. I am thankful for everyone in my life (the good and the bad), and I am thankful I have the chance to change myself, to grow, to evolve. I am aware of my insignificance; and I am aware I have the chance to make my life significant. Let’s do this thing.

You will not be called a weakling nor a fraud
For feeling the pain of the whole wide world
You want to help but can’t help the feeling you cannot
And it’s killing you while you’re just trying to smile from your heart
So go on, say it, on the same knees you’re praying
Yes, life is hard

Come celebrate
Life is hard
Come celebrate Life is hard
Our life is all we are

Day Forty Five

claws

Today…sh-t got real. I was guilted into changing some of the plans I had for my birthday and I was immediately unhappy about said guilt-driven-changes. I was so pissed off, at my family, at myself. After a few hours of wallowing in self-misery I decided to alter my plans back. I don’t want to dread my 30th. I don’t want to worry about anyone saying something to hurt me, or anyone being in a crabby mood and taking it out on me.

That already happened all day today.

We had planned a nice relaxing Mom’s Day for everyone, and it all turned to sh-t. First thing in the morning I was attacked for selling a few cheap frames at the garage sale that apparently were über-important (even though I have never once heard of their apparent irreplaceable appeal). From there a lot of tension clouded the day. We had a delicious brunch at PJ’s Lager House in Corktown and headed to Ikea for some afternoon shopping, but the day was tainted.

I am so tired of talking about the same old sh-t; so for the first time – today I decided what was going to be best for me and said no to anything less. It is liberating and guilt-inducing at the same time. But I guess I am ok with that. I don’t want to lose the instinct to say yes all the time, and to want to please other people. I just want to say no more often when saying yes causes so much unhappiness and stress.

I also cannot wait to turn 30 all of the sudden…it’s weird and I cannot explain it but I feel like it has to be better then this sh-t.

I would also like to add that I am not such a self-absorbed person as I surely come off on this blog. It’s terrifying how opening up and trying to journal via blogging has made me feel/sound so whiney. I typically don’t even tell my love what I am really thinking and feeling on a daily basis. I certainly never tell friends or family – hence the trust issues. This is all a part of the journey I suppose; but please believe when I say that I can’t stand listening to myself whine all over the place either.

Day Forty Four

db

Third and final day of the let’s-get-the-f-ck-out-sale and we hit pay dirt. The last of our big items sold, we tallied up our total to almost $700 over the three days and I led my first section of a yin yoga class today for over 20 minutes while being recorded. It was the first day of feeling super sh-t about myself in a while, and the first time that I have gone back on a promise I have made myself since all this crazy started forty four days ago. I had promised quite recently that i would take people at their word, not question motives or honesty, and not care either way. But today, I felt ok with my performance in my yoga training, I managed to pull off coming up with an entirely different flow because I had no wall space to work with, I received great feedback that was both highly positive and constructive criticisms. However, somehow within an hour and a half of leaving yoga, driving home, changing and getting to the sale to help out – I had convinces my self that I suck so bad at yoga that everyone was just trying to be nice, I am a failure in all things, especially yoga, my in-laws hate me, and I am the fat, ugly daughter-in-law that they wish they never had. I hate this spiral of horrible thoughts that I think are absolute truths. It’s hard and frustrating to stop, it’s even harder to reverse and repair the damage.

Today was the first day I have felt like such a failure – I promised myself something and I couldn’t hold it up – and that f-cking sucks.