Day Forty

sale

Ditto….today was a long one.

We went to a viewing after work for a lifelong family friend who had passed away this past Sunday. I hate viewings; it just makes me think of how few people would show up to mine. Selfish, crazy – I know.

Afterwards we went to the original Buddy’s Pizza in Detroit. We shared a few beers with my father and brother in law and enjoyed a vegan pizza. It was my first time ever going to the original Buddy’s and it was awesome. Not only the pizza but the company. We even talked about our upcoming move and the need for change. The news was received well and even had a note of excitement. Fingers crossed it continues.

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Day Thirty Nine

snaking

I am so f#%&ing exhausted. For the first time since I started this madness, I have a ton to say and am too tired to say it. I will return in the morning with more.

Update: Sorry about that. Yesterday was spent cleaning out the basement, kitchen, closets and more for our garage sale this weekend. I felt so exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we have – for the first time I got really pissed about it too. In comparison to a lot of friends and family members we really don’t have that much – but to me – it’s like an avalanche of junk.

And the dots are finally connecting as to why I love yin yoga so much. Yin is a place you come to to deal with your sh!t. Not only the physical sh!t you have put your body through (injuries, stress, nutrition deficiencies) but all the mental sh!t you have pent up too. Now seeing all this stuff that we own and want to sell – I fully understand how much I am facing to get to a better place. And honestly, that pissed me off. I ended the day in a fairly sour mood just thinking of the amount of time and money I have spent on all of the material possessions that are now haunting every nook and cranny I peek into. But I also decided late last night (once I had given up trying to sleep for a bit) that I will no longer regret what I have done in my past. I will not dwell on it. It is the past and it will always be there. I have made those decisions and they have made me who I am today – for better or worse – and I am going to work ok being ok with that.

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt

Day Thirty Eight

candles

Happy Star Wars Day! How did you celebrate? I had yoga training all day but I just finished Episode IV with my love and a couple of cocktails. The perfect end to a long day.

I am quickly closing in on 30. It has been a long few weeks, a lot of introspection, acceptance, moving on. There is still a long way to go.

Today was the first day that I allowed myself to get really excited about finishing yoga. I mean I have been excited but it has always felt more like – it’s going to be over with and then I can move on. Today that changed. I really felt like I could see the conclusion, I am excited about it, I am nervous about it, but mostly I am super proud of the progress I have made and super excited to finally realize this accomplishment. It feels like it will mean a lot more to me then just a piece of paper saying I am certified. This has been a gigantic stumbling block for me this past year. It has always lingered at the back of my mind, hanging over my head, holding me down and making me feel ridiculously guilty (for the cost, the not finishing it last year like I planned and wanted to, the fact that I hadn’t just stuck it out – I can always find ways to turn anything into a failure and then use it against myself). I am even looking forward to putting together my very own yin yoga flow, teaching part of it next week and being filmed, and the big final in a few weeks. In one month I should be certified.

May the Fourth Be With You indeed!

Day Thirty Six

shaun

Today started as a total crap day. Work sucked. And I mean it – it sucked so hard that I literally had to ask myself several times throughout the day “if this isn’t the final straw – then what will be? at what point will this level of bullsh!t and misery induce me to quit? at what point will I give in? and finally, have I started to become so conditioned to how sh!tty it is that I will never really have a final straw and will just inevitably keep putting up with worse and worse?” Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we condition ourselves to deal with more and more stress and unhappiness? I don’t get it. To that end – I deal best with stress with small to moderate amounts alcohol and really good movies.

To that end, I just finished watching the commentary on Shaun of the Dead – which is arguably one of the top ten films ever made. This is the first time I have watched the commentary on any of the Cornetto trilogy films – and I do plan to watch the next two over the coming weeks. Bear in mind I have seen each of the films countless times, Hot Fuzz has to be in the 100s by now seeing as my love and I literally watched it once a week for like a year straight I am quite certain.

The commentary was wicked, super funny and honestly so fast paced with the random trivia that the few drinks I had more-than-a-little-impaired my viewing experience. And I knew a lot of the random trivia to begin with! There are just so many, intricate little details, clues and references it is truly a pleasure to watch – because every time you watch it – you pick up something else and it is a whole new movie again. I love that fact about all three of the Cornetto trilogy movies – and if you have no idea what I am talking about…then we are fighting because you need to get your shit together and watch them. Then we can be back on speaking terms.

So while you start in on the wiki rabbit hole of all things Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (do it) – I am going to try and convince my husband to watch Hot Fuzz instead of the game six Houston – Portland series…Go Blazers!

Day Thirty Five

tree rings

I don’t really know what to say. I had a small first today – I observed (i.e. did not participate in but was present for) a yin yoga class for the first time today. It was a great moment because I really felt that a lot of my talking about teaching people how to heal themselves culminated today. Just being in an environment of healing, both mentally and physically, was what I needed to understand why I started this crazy journey in the first place. You could tangibly feel it in the room. People working through myriad issues, trying to work with their strengths and blast through their weaknesses. To conquer their minds and bodies and accept their limitations.

Yet – I still feel more then a little dead. I cannot escape this feeling of dread, of being lost, of never knowing the home I can’t find. It is frustrating. It is unsettling. Who am I to teach to heal, to accept oneself wholly and completely – when, I don’t know what I am hanging onto sometimes. I cannot wrap my head around waking up everyday when everyday I make such little progress. I honestly feel like I have never really known myself and I am running out of patience trying to learn. I think back on myself at different stages in my life and I feel like a fraud. Like I have never really been true to myself. I feel like I am on borrowed time. I am tired of looking back but I feel like if I don’t push through my past these next few weeks and come out a stronger and truer me then I have ever been before – I will always be looking back. I need to understand where I have been in order to figure out my future.

Don’t we all have to face our demons before we can defeat them? Does it normally take this long?

Most importantly I want to live for today and to embrace it, to not deny my past but not to dwell on it, and to look forward to tomorrow but not to wish for it.

Most likely tomorrow will come, I will wake again, go about my day just like every other before it, and end it having made little progress. But I want to not worry about yesterday or the days to come.

Most likely these are just the ravings of a self-diagnosed manic depressive that needs to go to bed.

Day Thirty Four

fears

So today I compiled a list of my greatest fears. I don’t like spiders, speaking in public or touching gross bumpy things. None of these are on the list. Admittedly the list is a work in progress – but seeing some of my darkest fears typed out in front of me is a bit harrowing.

Seeing how irrational some of them are is a bit hilarious.

Reading them makes me want to conquer them. Conquer is a bit of a ridiculous word in this situation – but I don’t want to “work through them” – that just sounds laborious. Conquer feels fast, strong, fun. Game of Thrones style – I’m going to direwolf this shit.

This week has been a rough one – too much time to think – not enough time to do anything about it.

Day Thirty Three

black

Today was a Pearl Jam Ten listening, Hemingway brooding, spending-too-much-time-inside-my-own-head kind of day.

So today will be the first day I use the words of another to describe exactly what my day was and what the hell was going on inside of it.

 

sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
were laid spread out before me as her body once did.
all of five horizons revolved around her soul as the earth to the sun
now the air i tasted and breathed has taken a turn

ooh, and all i taught her was everything
ooh, i know she gave me all that she was

and now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds of what was everything.
oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything

i take a walk outside, i’m surrounded by some kids at play
i can feel their laughter, so why do i sear?
oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head, i’m spinning, oh,
i’m spinning, how quick the sun can drop away

and now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
all the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything

all the love gone bad turned my world to black
tattooed all i see, all that i am, all i’ll be

i know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
i know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky,
but why, why, why can’t it be, can’t it be mine?

black – pearl jam

 

jesus, don’t want me for a sunbeam
sunbeams are not made like me

don’t expect me to cry
for all the reasons you had to die
don’t ever ask your love of me

don’t expect me to cry
don’t expect me to lie
don’t expect me to die for thee

jesus doesn’t want me for a sunbeam – the vaselines

 

Day Thirty Two

knots

I am a bit at a loss today.

For starters, I had a productive day, I got a lot done. One thing to know about me is that I am a major to do list person. I love crossing stuff off and if I do something that’s not on the list you ask? Well, I write it on the list then cross it off. And don’t give me sh!t about it, I mean the blog is called a fistful of crazy. You knew what you were getting into. Despite all that I got done – it feels like all I did was kind of daydream the day away. Normally I get kind of pissed if I daydream too much because it doesn’t accomplish anything tangible. Today, however, I feel okay with the time I spent envisioning my love and I being somewhere else. It makes me feel hopeful and creative. I know – I’m so effing weird.

So today I had a shopping/errand trip with my mom. And for the first time in a very long time – it went well. Now typically it goes “well”, but I tend to just get through it and stew about all the little hurtful comments, the snide side remarks, the innuendoes that I am not living up to her standards or preferences. Today, well today was different. Now don’t go jumping the gun – there were plenty of opportunities for the snide remarks, the innuendoes, the back handed compliments – but either I was able to ignore them or there just were not as many as usual.

I actually think I was just able to hear them differently.

I feel as though these past weeks have brought about some revelations. Realizations about many of my relationships, how I have always viewed them, how right or wrong I have been in doing so, what and who I am to myself and those around me and the weight I put in other people’s opinions. Super broad subjects, I know. But speaking specifically is a little more open and personal than I can get right now. I’d need a whole lot of alcohol and time on my hands for that. For now, sufficed to say, that whatever I heard today from my mom – at the end of our few hours together, I actually felt like she just wanted me to be happy. Just to be happy but sometimes on her terms and in her way. And while I think the qualification is something that I do not agree with – something I do not like (to place on my wishes for loved one’s happiness, nor to be placed on their wishes for my happiness) – it still comes down to her wanting me to be happy and successful. To be the best person I can be, and even if she doesn’t get a lot of my choices, doesn’t agree with my getting a back tattoo, doesn’t like that I was not married in the Catholic church, she still wants me to happy and have love and be loved.

And she loves me. And that means a lot. It means that I am finally getting through the bs, not being so cynical all the time, and accepting that I am loved. I am worthy of love and I need to start loving myself. Because if someone as crazy and strong and giving and smart as my mom loves me for who I am then I need to too. And if my lovely husband can love me, then I can too.

Wow, I am really starting to sound like a crazy yoga chick. Whatever. It’s all about the love man.

the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return – eden ahbez

 

Day Thirty One

orchid

Well I’ve made it into the thirties – no meltdowns yet. Not anything major at least.

Today was another training day for me. I had yoga from 7:30-15:30 and it actually went really well. Although, I think knowing that I am like four training days away from this being over with helps a lot with that sentiment. But today’s first was that I followed through on my promise to myself to just not really give a sh!t. I mean – I was nervous and not really looking forward to today – because I just want it over with – however I did at the end of the day lead two classes two separate times. Once for all of five minutes, but another (that I actually helped to create) for about fifteen and I was recorded for my own future reference. I was nervous, but I smiled, didn’t worry about slip ups and mistakes and just soldiered through. I received excellent feedback.

Boom! That’s how you drop the mic!

No seriously though, public speaking has always been a huge issue for me. Basically any situation where I will or can make a fool of myself – I have always avoided. In the past thirty one days I have played soccer and basketball with my husband (for the first time; again – I tend to avoid things I am not good at because I assume the day will end up with me being laughed at), I have led two different yoga groups and I have started to be a lot more honest (still in as nice a way as possible) with friends and family.

I think I am finally starting to see how I can control my fears, trepidations and shortcomings. I can conquer them with sheer will and by absolutely refusing to let me hold me back. I need to continue working towards the person I am meant to be – crushing one fear, barrier and negative thought at a time.

Life is too damned short.

 

 

Well you’re in your little room
and you’re working on something good
but if it’s really good
you’re gonna need a bigger room
and when you’re in the bigger room
you might not know what to do
you might have to think of
how you got started
sitting in your little room

Little Room by The White Stripes

Day Thirty

dune

Today I will be celebrating another birthday. I will also be attempting to avoid seeing Frozen for the first time. I don’t want to see it. I love Disney movies, especially all the princess movies – but for some reason I want to go to the grave having never seen Frozen. Same with the Biebs – I want to go to the grave being able to say I have never heard a Justin Bieber song from start to finish – clips sure – but never a whole song. I feel like this will lend a certain distinction and credibility to my life that few others can claim.

It is a beautiful day outside today. I am hungover however – please see yesterday’s post for further explanation – and for the first time on a nice day, all I want to do is take a nap. So I think I will.