Today marks two weeks of being 30, and there is no real difference. Age really is just a number after all. I had a fantastic birthday, spent time with my love, explored some of our favorite haunts in Detroit and even received an awesome birthday message from my favorite, Lainey Gossip. All in all – it was a fantastic day. The past 14 days have been busy, said good bye to Ann Arbor (for now) with a visit last weekend, and tonight is my big teaching practicum final for yoga training. In roughly eight hours you will likely hear a huge sigh of relief emanating from Rochester Michigan. In the morning I take my final written test and hopefully by eight on Sunday night I will be a certified RYT-200 yoga teacher. Fingers crossed and a drum roll please, I cannot wait for this twelve month (is that all!?!) journey to come to a close. I am super nervous. Anxiety is threatening to choke me sometimes and yet I have a tremendous sense of calm thinking that no matter what, the following truths will hold. I will not be perfect – but no one is. I will deliver a decent class – I have practiced too much not to. I will face my (sometimes) greatest fear of speaking in front of people and possibly making an utter fool of myself – all while most people in the world face things that are much scarier every second of their lives.
First day of being 30; and it was sweet. More to come and I cannot thank everyone enough for making today a great start to my next decade!
Well, this is it. The last day of my 20s. I have been dreading this day on and off for a while now. It is no longer because 30 scares me, or I feel old, or anything ridiculous like that. It is because tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I hate that cliché. Isn’t everyday day the first in the rest of your life? The first one you have to get through, to deal with, to check off your list? Sure. But seven weeks ago I set out to define what I am going to accomplish, who I will be, in my next decade on this planet. There is no clear cut definition I can summarize, no way of telling the future and there sure as hell aren’t any answers springing forth to solve my issues. But I have started to develop a clearer image of the immediate future, the person I am, and the person I am becoming. And that future starts tomorrow. And that scares and excites me and that is why I dread it. This is the first day I took my time, enjoyed every minute I had, and every moment I gave myself. I did my hair, did my nails, even my eyebrows – and that is no fun task. But I enjoyed the hell out of it. I didn’t feel guilt. I looked forward to it. And I look forward to tomorrow too. I even told my girls that we are planning on moving and it went quite well.
Yesterday my love and I posted our few nicer pieces of furniture on Craigslist – and today we got our first bite! That’s not my first of the day, but still pretty exciting. Today was the first day that I really regretted not doing more on this crazy mission of firsts. It’s been weeks, and I still have some major crossing off to do on the old Life List I put together. Sky diving, visiting exotic locals, passing the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam, all sorts of big checks to administer still. Yet, if there is anything these weeks have taught me – it’s to chill the f-ck out, to appreciate every day for whatever it is and offers and to look forward to living and checking those items off. I have really started to look at my madness and how I fit into the world differently. With that in mind, my inner geek wants to kick it to some of my favorite Harry Potter quotes…because I wasn’t teary eyed enough today.
it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be
it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live
it is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities
Not sure about today. It was a good day in general, no complaints, no real worries, just a run of the mill Tuesday. Still not sure of it though. I guess I give today the kind of look Larry David delivers whenever he is skeptical or suspicious on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Today I experienced a lethal dose of super angry mom, she exploded at me, I reacted kind of like an as-hole but it felt like full on defensive as-hole & she went silent on me for the rest of the evening. Full on 4-yr old temper tantrum silent. Only it lasted a lot longer then a 4-yr old tantrum does, but it was carried out in much the same way. Some pouting, some huffing, some louder-than-necessary movements and I didn’t cave. For the first time, I think ever, I didn’t feel guilty enough to cave and apologize or ask if she was ok or try and placate her by agreeing to buy her that toy she wanted (kidding – she would be totally fine with some candy or ice cream). I don’t even think I remember feeling anything more then a glimmer of guilt. That is crazy talk for me. And like I have promised myself, I cannot be held for the way other people handle situations. I can only be responsible for how I handle myself and how I respond. I am no longer going to take responsibility for loved one’s behaviors, attitudes or opinions. I’ve had it! I am not Solange Knowles, I have never violently attacked anyone in any way and I don’t plan to. That said, I am taking the Jay-Z approach, defensive but only to a point. I will not allow anyone to get the better of me and I will not allow myself to sink to a level I do not wish to exist on.
be humble for you are made of earth
be noble for you are made of stars
It was a stormy, crazy weather day here. One of those days that makes me so thankful to have my home, shelter, a car, running water, a pantry full of food. It is so easy to just get wrapped up in my own head, in my own bullsh-t. Meanwhile billions around the world are stuck out in the storms, stuck without everything. Just stuck with such little hope for any kind of future. It hurts to think about, that’s why it is so much easier to forget right?
I am aware of how lucky I am. I am thankful for everyone in my life (the good and the bad), and I am thankful I have the chance to change myself, to grow, to evolve. I am aware of my insignificance; and I am aware I have the chance to make my life significant. Let’s do this thing.
You will not be called a weakling nor a fraud
For feeling the pain of the whole wide world
You want to help but can’t help the feeling you cannot
And it’s killing you while you’re just trying to smile from your heart
So go on, say it, on the same knees you’re praying
Yes, life is hard
Life is hard
Come celebrate Life is hard
Our life is all we are
Today…sh-t got real. I was guilted into changing some of the plans I had for my birthday and I was immediately unhappy about said guilt-driven-changes. I was so pissed off, at my family, at myself. After a few hours of wallowing in self-misery I decided to alter my plans back. I don’t want to dread my 30th. I don’t want to worry about anyone saying something to hurt me, or anyone being in a crabby mood and taking it out on me.
That already happened all day today.
We had planned a nice relaxing Mom’s Day for everyone, and it all turned to sh-t. First thing in the morning I was attacked for selling a few cheap frames at the garage sale that apparently were über-important (even though I have never once heard of their apparent irreplaceable appeal). From there a lot of tension clouded the day. We had a delicious brunch at PJ’s Lager House in Corktown and headed to Ikea for some afternoon shopping, but the day was tainted.
I am so tired of talking about the same old sh-t; so for the first time – today I decided what was going to be best for me and said no to anything less. It is liberating and guilt-inducing at the same time. But I guess I am ok with that. I don’t want to lose the instinct to say yes all the time, and to want to please other people. I just want to say no more often when saying yes causes so much unhappiness and stress.
I also cannot wait to turn 30 all of the sudden…it’s weird and I cannot explain it but I feel like it has to be better then this sh-t.
I would also like to add that I am not such a self-absorbed person as I surely come off on this blog. It’s terrifying how opening up and trying to journal via blogging has made me feel/sound so whiney. I typically don’t even tell my love what I am really thinking and feeling on a daily basis. I certainly never tell friends or family – hence the trust issues. This is all a part of the journey I suppose; but please believe when I say that I can’t stand listening to myself whine all over the place either.