Tag: change

Day Forty Seven

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m83hubmle

Not sure about today. It was a good day in general, no complaints, no real worries, just a run of the mill Tuesday. Still not sure of it though. I guess I give today the kind of look Larry David delivers whenever he is skeptical or suspicious on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Today I experienced a lethal dose of super angry mom, she exploded at me, I reacted kind of like an as-hole but it felt like full on defensive as-hole & she went silent on me for the rest of the evening. Full on 4-yr old temper tantrum silent. Only it lasted a lot longer then a 4-yr old tantrum does, but it was carried out in much the same way. Some pouting, some huffing, some louder-than-necessary movements and I didn’t cave. For the first time, I think ever, I didn’t feel guilty enough to cave and apologize or ask if she was ok or try and placate her by agreeing to buy her that toy she wanted (kidding – she would be totally fine with some candy or ice cream). I don’t even think I remember feeling anything more then a glimmer of guilt. That is crazy talk for me. And like I have promised myself, I cannot be held for the way other people handle situations. I can only be responsible for how I handle myself and how I respond. I am no longer going to take responsibility for loved one’s behaviors, attitudes or opinions. I’ve had it! I am not Solange Knowles, I have never violently attacked anyone in any way and I don’t plan to. That said, I am taking the Jay-Z approach, defensive but only to a point. I will not allow anyone to get the better of me and I will not allow myself to sink to a level I do not wish to exist on.

 

be humble for you are made of earth

be noble for you are made of stars

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Day Thirty Nine

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snaking

I am so f#%&ing exhausted. For the first time since I started this madness, I have a ton to say and am too tired to say it. I will return in the morning with more.

Update: Sorry about that. Yesterday was spent cleaning out the basement, kitchen, closets and more for our garage sale this weekend. I felt so exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we have – for the first time I got really pissed about it too. In comparison to a lot of friends and family members we really don’t have that much – but to me – it’s like an avalanche of junk.

And the dots are finally connecting as to why I love yin yoga so much. Yin is a place you come to to deal with your sh!t. Not only the physical sh!t you have put your body through (injuries, stress, nutrition deficiencies) but all the mental sh!t you have pent up too. Now seeing all this stuff that we own and want to sell – I fully understand how much I am facing to get to a better place. And honestly, that pissed me off. I ended the day in a fairly sour mood just thinking of the amount of time and money I have spent on all of the material possessions that are now haunting every nook and cranny I peek into. But I also decided late last night (once I had given up trying to sleep for a bit) that I will no longer regret what I have done in my past. I will not dwell on it. It is the past and it will always be there. I have made those decisions and they have made me who I am today – for better or worse – and I am going to work ok being ok with that.

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt

Day Twenty Five

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kresge

As a follow up, or summary thought, to some of my pontificating yesterday; I would like to simply state the following. I think a place, a person, a thing, can all hold extremely negative energy if we let it. Sometimes it is so hard to not let the negative energy get to us, that it is no longer worth trying to be around that place, person or thing. The energy put into forgiving is simply wasted. Perhaps, it is better to just let go and move on in those cases.

And now for more exciting things. I have determined that since yesterday ended on a bit of a bitter note; today will end a little sweeter. I would like to make my first list of things I will miss when we move. Things I love about living around Detroit. It is a great city after all. And this list will include no people – obviously there is a long list of people – but let’s not get too personal. We will stick to things and places that are important to me. And since this is a first list I am limiting it to the tip-pity-top.

1. The Detroit Institute of Arts: I have been going here as long as I can remember. My dad always took me down there for special exhibits, to browse the galleries and enjoy a snack in the incomparable Kresge Court. I have always wanted to live in Kresge Court. There’s this amazing Bill Rauhauser photograph of a woman sitting in Kresge Court in the 1960s smoking a cigarette and looking absolutely, perfectly unhappy, bored, beautiful. Needless to say I want to be her when I live in Kresge Court. I can then write a book about my adventures while living as a stow away in the best art museum on the planet – hands down.

2. The Growing Small Business Scene: Made in Detroit is coming back. And I’m not talking that stupid Kid Rock line – thats a little too trailer for me. I’m talking Shinola watches, bikes and leather goods. I’m talking street wear labels like The Handsome Fox, Burn Rubber Detroit and The Dirt Label. Bad ass home furnishings by Rail & Anchor and Scout that support local companies and artists as well as major designers.

3. The Burgeoning Hipster Vegan/Beverage Scene: There are some seriously delicious and shady vegan-friendly places popping up all around the city. From Seva, to Detroit Vegan Soul Food and PJ’s Lager House (where I totally used to underage drink about ten $1 PBRs a night). There is Avalon Bakery, Great Lakes Coffee Company and the ever refreshing Majestic Complex eateries the Majestic Cafe and good old Sgt. Pepperoni’s. Oh man I almost forgot Traffic Jam & Snug and the Motor City Brewing Works, MiChigo Pizza and The WAB. So many amazing eateries, so little time.

4. The Michigan Renaissance Festival: yes, I know this is super cheesy. I don’t dress up – anymore – but again, I have been going to this since forever and I love it and I will miss it. There are some performers who have been there every year since I started going there forever ago and I will miss them. It is just good old cheesy, classic fun.

5. Tigers Games: I am not, as a rule, terribly fond of baseball. But there is just something about going to Comerica Park and enjoying a night game in the middle of summer that is just magical. Detroit is a great sports city, with somewhat douche-y fans, but they all love their teams. I never get to enjoy a cold beer and Minute Maid Frozen Lemonade at the same time – except Tigers games in the summer. And it is a delicious combo indeed.

I am greatly looking forward to our big move, but I will miss these things. And someday when I visit family and friends, my love and I will sneak into the DIA Royal Tenenbaum styles and sleep in an air vent in Kresge Court and we will be happy little bees. Look for my memoirs.

Day Twenty Four

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Mi

What does it mean then you dread going home the last hour of your nine and a half hour drive to get there? I love being with my love, I love my stupid cats, I love what we do together in our home but I hate the neighbors and neighborhood. I hate the winters. I hate how crappy the roads are and how all summer we will deal with constructions just to drive for two – four weeks without orange cones before the snow starts again. I hate how long the winters are and how depressed I get during the endless grey winter days. I hate that I use the word hate so much to describe my home – but when something makes me feel so miserable, there is no other word. I’m not a “don’t like” person – I hate it. Within twenty minutes of being home I was in a dark and miserable state of mind when only three hours ago I remember being in a fantastically happy and blissful mood thinking of what a great trip we had and what a crazy good weekend of firsts it was.

I think it means that I am truly ready to move on. Change of location has to occur in order to make any real progress in creative work endeavors, in living a happier and more fulfilled existence. Basically I feel like I have to move to complete my journey of moving onto a better version of myself. I know that can be a dangerous line of thought – “if I ______ I will be happier”. We all do this. We fill in the blank with lose weight, move, get married, get divorced, change jobs, change my hair. We all trick ourselves into believing that one simple thing will be a cure all for our issues. I do this all the time. But today for the first time I really, wholly and to my bones felt that Michigan has no hold for me anymore. I love my friends and family. I will miss them. However, I don’t mind calling, texting, skyping, flying or driving to see them. I do mind being so unhappy thinking about going home. About not having a f$&!ing month in the next twelve of decent driving on decent roads to look forward to. While I do believe that it can be dangerous when we put all of our hope into one change changing everything – I also strongly believe that sometimes we cannot complete the progress we set out to make without a drastic change. It has to happen soon.

On to happier subjects, we did have a great weekend, we did score a ton of sweet Jack White, Whirlwind Heat and Third Man Records swag. We did have very good drives both ways, no issues. We had literally the most perfect weather we could have asked for – sunny, low to no humidity and mid-70s. My skin actually cooperated and is beginning to look better after only a couple of days of finally turning to slathering it with Vaseline – so I didn’t feel like a leper the whole trip. We had a great time hitting up Two Bits for some arcade action, tasty local brews and cajun tots and house made thin-cut waffle chips. We hit up Taco Mamacitas for some delicious vegan avocado and plantain tacos and cheap Mexican beers. We even met an adorable little dachshund named Heintz – that stole my heart I might add – at the Filling Station when we were getting a growler of yummy Stiegl Radler (an Austrian beer brewed with grapefruit soda – omg it’s delicious).

All in all a fantastic weekend trip.

One I would highly recommend.

One I plan to continue to recreate in some way or another for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to hate going home – so we will move soon.

I love to travel – so we will.

I love spending time with my love – so I will.

I’m tired and want to go to bed now – so goodnight.