Split-Aparts and Star Dust
Sometimes life figures you out first.
So it has been a red letter day. We got up, did some errands, spent some money (what felt like a lot) on staples for the house and cat. Then got a super exciting Hario V60 drip coffee kit and 20% off open box/display Bonavita electric kettle for free from Williams-Sonoma with AmEx points and we still have $16 left over. Then spent a fairly productive day working on stuff for the cafe, talking to Steve about readjusting plans for the project board, playing with our new coffee geek goods, making stew and getting quite a start on the business plan. Then after dinner I started to kind of freak out, regretting the shitty (but good paying) jobs we’ve given up for the security they offered (gross), regretting the two months and thousands of dollars spent traveling this year to figure our shit out away from people (f-cking stupid and ungrateful), just asking all the what ifs until they became a swirling vortex of black tar negative thoughts…What if we suck at this? What if we hate it? What if we know nothing about coffee? What if we get burned out woking too hard and too long? All questions that have reasonably simple answers. We won’t suck – we know this. We won’t because we will be working together to build our future like we’ve wanted to forever – and if we hate it, then at least we tried. We do know a lot about coffee already, and we can learn more. We will hire some additional help. But the biggest one and scariest one and the one I really hate f-cking asking because I feel like a f-cking coward doing it and I don’t like that a question can get the better of me…is…what if we fail? And still, at the end of the day, so what. So we fail at opening a business, at least we tried. At least we still have family to help us out for a couple months to get back on our feet. At least we have never felt hunger or thirst or needed a bed at night. We are lucky. And just when I was starting to feel better, more positive and not so negative nervous – just more cautiously optimistically anxious…I get an email for a possible egg donation match. It would be my fourth. First was in June 2012, second August 2012, third May 2013…I have always thought of the extra money as fantastic and helpful and great. It helped me to quit Allstate which was a quagmire of misery. It helped me to figure out some shit and face some fears and learn a whole lot about me, yoga and others by getting RYT200 certified. It helped fund these past two months – even as it has gotten dangerously low. Mostly I have felt that it was some sort of dream karma. Helping people fulfill a dream that I do not share for myself and my family (that being my Love and Me and a future for our existing family and friends but to never add to the number personally) – but in some messed up cosmic way – to maybe gain some karma assistance in fulfilling our dreams for our family and our future. So for this email to have come today…I have to believe that things sometimes do happen for a reason.
The Big One
First day of being 30; and it was sweet. More to come and I cannot thank everyone enough for making today a great start to my next decade!
Day Forty Nine
Well, this is it. The last day of my 20s. I have been dreading this day on and off for a while now. It is no longer because 30 scares me, or I feel old, or anything ridiculous like that. It is because tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I hate that cliché. Isn’t everyday day the first in the rest of your life? The first one you have to get through, to deal with, to check off your list? Sure. But seven weeks ago I set out to define what I am going to accomplish, who I will be, in my next decade on this planet. There is no clear cut definition I can summarize, no way of telling the future and there sure as hell aren’t any answers springing forth to solve my issues. But I have started to develop a clearer image of the immediate future, the person I am, and the person I am becoming. And that future starts tomorrow. And that scares and excites me and that is why I dread it. This is the first day I took my time, enjoyed every minute I had, and every moment I gave myself. I did my hair, did my nails, even my eyebrows – and that is no fun task. But I enjoyed the hell out of it. I didn’t feel guilt. I looked forward to it. And I look forward to tomorrow too. I even told my girls that we are planning on moving and it went quite well.
Day Forty Eight
Yesterday my love and I posted our few nicer pieces of furniture on Craigslist – and today we got our first bite! That’s not my first of the day, but still pretty exciting. Today was the first day that I really regretted not doing more on this crazy mission of firsts. It’s been weeks, and I still have some major crossing off to do on the old Life List I put together. Sky diving, visiting exotic locals, passing the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam, all sorts of big checks to administer still. Yet, if there is anything these weeks have taught me – it’s to chill the f-ck out, to appreciate every day for whatever it is and offers and to look forward to living and checking those items off. I have really started to look at my madness and how I fit into the world differently. With that in mind, my inner geek wants to kick it to some of my favorite Harry Potter quotes…because I wasn’t teary eyed enough today.
it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be
it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live
it is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities
Day Forty Seven
Not sure about today. It was a good day in general, no complaints, no real worries, just a run of the mill Tuesday. Still not sure of it though. I guess I give today the kind of look Larry David delivers whenever he is skeptical or suspicious on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Today I experienced a lethal dose of super angry mom, she exploded at me, I reacted kind of like an as-hole but it felt like full on defensive as-hole & she went silent on me for the rest of the evening. Full on 4-yr old temper tantrum silent. Only it lasted a lot longer then a 4-yr old tantrum does, but it was carried out in much the same way. Some pouting, some huffing, some louder-than-necessary movements and I didn’t cave. For the first time, I think ever, I didn’t feel guilty enough to cave and apologize or ask if she was ok or try and placate her by agreeing to buy her that toy she wanted (kidding – she would be totally fine with some candy or ice cream). I don’t even think I remember feeling anything more then a glimmer of guilt. That is crazy talk for me. And like I have promised myself, I cannot be held for the way other people handle situations. I can only be responsible for how I handle myself and how I respond. I am no longer going to take responsibility for loved one’s behaviors, attitudes or opinions. I’ve had it! I am not Solange Knowles, I have never violently attacked anyone in any way and I don’t plan to. That said, I am taking the Jay-Z approach, defensive but only to a point. I will not allow anyone to get the better of me and I will not allow myself to sink to a level I do not wish to exist on.
be humble for you are made of earth
be noble for you are made of stars
Day Forty Six
It was a stormy, crazy weather day here. One of those days that makes me so thankful to have my home, shelter, a car, running water, a pantry full of food. It is so easy to just get wrapped up in my own head, in my own bullsh-t. Meanwhile billions around the world are stuck out in the storms, stuck without everything. Just stuck with such little hope for any kind of future. It hurts to think about, that’s why it is so much easier to forget right?
I am aware of how lucky I am. I am thankful for everyone in my life (the good and the bad), and I am thankful I have the chance to change myself, to grow, to evolve. I am aware of my insignificance; and I am aware I have the chance to make my life significant. Let’s do this thing.
You will not be called a weakling nor a fraud
For feeling the pain of the whole wide world
You want to help but can’t help the feeling you cannot
And it’s killing you while you’re just trying to smile from your heart
So go on, say it, on the same knees you’re praying
Yes, life is hard
Life is hard
Come celebrate Life is hard
Our life is all we are
Day Forty Five
Today…sh-t got real. I was guilted into changing some of the plans I had for my birthday and I was immediately unhappy about said guilt-driven-changes. I was so pissed off, at my family, at myself. After a few hours of wallowing in self-misery I decided to alter my plans back. I don’t want to dread my 30th. I don’t want to worry about anyone saying something to hurt me, or anyone being in a crabby mood and taking it out on me.
That already happened all day today.
We had planned a nice relaxing Mom’s Day for everyone, and it all turned to sh-t. First thing in the morning I was attacked for selling a few cheap frames at the garage sale that apparently were über-important (even though I have never once heard of their apparent irreplaceable appeal). From there a lot of tension clouded the day. We had a delicious brunch at PJ’s Lager House in Corktown and headed to Ikea for some afternoon shopping, but the day was tainted.
I am so tired of talking about the same old sh-t; so for the first time – today I decided what was going to be best for me and said no to anything less. It is liberating and guilt-inducing at the same time. But I guess I am ok with that. I don’t want to lose the instinct to say yes all the time, and to want to please other people. I just want to say no more often when saying yes causes so much unhappiness and stress.
I also cannot wait to turn 30 all of the sudden…it’s weird and I cannot explain it but I feel like it has to be better then this sh-t.
I would also like to add that I am not such a self-absorbed person as I surely come off on this blog. It’s terrifying how opening up and trying to journal via blogging has made me feel/sound so whiney. I typically don’t even tell my love what I am really thinking and feeling on a daily basis. I certainly never tell friends or family – hence the trust issues. This is all a part of the journey I suppose; but please believe when I say that I can’t stand listening to myself whine all over the place either.
Day Forty Four
Third and final day of the let’s-get-the-f-ck-out-sale and we hit pay dirt. The last of our big items sold, we tallied up our total to almost $700 over the three days and I led my first section of a yin yoga class today for over 20 minutes while being recorded. It was the first day of feeling super sh-t about myself in a while, and the first time that I have gone back on a promise I have made myself since all this crazy started forty four days ago. I had promised quite recently that i would take people at their word, not question motives or honesty, and not care either way. But today, I felt ok with my performance in my yoga training, I managed to pull off coming up with an entirely different flow because I had no wall space to work with, I received great feedback that was both highly positive and constructive criticisms. However, somehow within an hour and a half of leaving yoga, driving home, changing and getting to the sale to help out – I had convinces my self that I suck so bad at yoga that everyone was just trying to be nice, I am a failure in all things, especially yoga, my in-laws hate me, and I am the fat, ugly daughter-in-law that they wish they never had. I hate this spiral of horrible thoughts that I think are absolute truths. It’s hard and frustrating to stop, it’s even harder to reverse and repair the damage.
Today was the first day I have felt like such a failure – I promised myself something and I couldn’t hold it up – and that f-cking sucks.