confessions of a self-diagnosed manic depressive
Second day of the garage/let’s-sell-everything-and-get-the-f-ck-out sale. Went slow but still made some money before spring storms forced an early closure. Secretly we were pretty pumped to get home by two this afternoon, take an indulgent Friday afternoon nap and make some pretty little Mother’s Day cupcakes. I even wrote my first yin yoga flow. All in all a good way to spend the last Friday of my 20s……god that sucks.
First day of our garage sale down – two to go. It was a good f-cking day too. We made some sweet cash, and bonus – got rid of so much stuff that I literally am not even sure what it all was that we sold. It’s all stuff we will never really miss, let alone put any value on. People are nuts – they want everything for nothing and they want the weirdest sh-t. It’s hilarious. Super excited for tomorrow, super excited that we are literally running out of stuff to sell, super excited that we are gaining ground on our plans for Portland, or Paris, or New Guinea or London or….
Today we gathered our garage sale goods ready for the sale tomorrow. I am so flipping tired and so crazy excited to see all of this getting out of our house and hopefully making us some ca-sheesh. For the first time – I am finally making a deal with myself to take people at face value. I realized this morning how utterly ridiculous I am (this was brought on by reflections on what happened to me last night and most times I drink) – and I genuinely don’t know if I have ever really truly and whole heartedly have believed my husband when he tells me he loves me no matter what. I am an a$$hole. I never said I wasn’t. I am fully resolved now to not dwell on what others think of me or what they might be thinking – I am taking them for what they say to me, and how they outwardly & obviously act towards me. If someone can’t tell me what they really think of me, what they really want to say, if they can’t be honest – then honestly, they aren’t worth it.
honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom – thomas jefferson
Ditto….today was a long one.
We went to a viewing after work for a lifelong family friend who had passed away this past Sunday. I hate viewings; it just makes me think of how few people would show up to mine. Selfish, crazy – I know.
Afterwards we went to the original Buddy’s Pizza in Detroit. We shared a few beers with my father and brother in law and enjoyed a vegan pizza. It was my first time ever going to the original Buddy’s and it was awesome. Not only the pizza but the company. We even talked about our upcoming move and the need for change. The news was received well and even had a note of excitement. Fingers crossed it continues.
I am so f#%&ing exhausted. For the first time since I started this madness, I have a ton to say and am too tired to say it. I will return in the morning with more.
Update: Sorry about that. Yesterday was spent cleaning out the basement, kitchen, closets and more for our garage sale this weekend. I felt so exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we have – for the first time I got really pissed about it too. In comparison to a lot of friends and family members we really don’t have that much – but to me – it’s like an avalanche of junk.
And the dots are finally connecting as to why I love yin yoga so much. Yin is a place you come to to deal with your sh!t. Not only the physical sh!t you have put your body through (injuries, stress, nutrition deficiencies) but all the mental sh!t you have pent up too. Now seeing all this stuff that we own and want to sell – I fully understand how much I am facing to get to a better place. And honestly, that pissed me off. I ended the day in a fairly sour mood just thinking of the amount of time and money I have spent on all of the material possessions that are now haunting every nook and cranny I peek into. But I also decided late last night (once I had given up trying to sleep for a bit) that I will no longer regret what I have done in my past. I will not dwell on it. It is the past and it will always be there. I have made those decisions and they have made me who I am today – for better or worse – and I am going to work ok being ok with that.
Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt
Happy Star Wars Day! How did you celebrate? I had yoga training all day but I just finished Episode IV with my love and a couple of cocktails. The perfect end to a long day.
I am quickly closing in on 30. It has been a long few weeks, a lot of introspection, acceptance, moving on. There is still a long way to go.
Today was the first day that I allowed myself to get really excited about finishing yoga. I mean I have been excited but it has always felt more like – it’s going to be over with and then I can move on. Today that changed. I really felt like I could see the conclusion, I am excited about it, I am nervous about it, but mostly I am super proud of the progress I have made and super excited to finally realize this accomplishment. It feels like it will mean a lot more to me then just a piece of paper saying I am certified. This has been a gigantic stumbling block for me this past year. It has always lingered at the back of my mind, hanging over my head, holding me down and making me feel ridiculously guilty (for the cost, the not finishing it last year like I planned and wanted to, the fact that I hadn’t just stuck it out – I can always find ways to turn anything into a failure and then use it against myself). I am even looking forward to putting together my very own yin yoga flow, teaching part of it next week and being filmed, and the big final in a few weeks. In one month I should be certified.
May the Fourth Be With You indeed!
This is the day…Kentucky Derby Day! Also known as drag yourself to a derby party to watch the big race and eat lots and drink even more day. It was a good day. A day spent with friends and family. Still – it was day that further solidified our decision to sell all of our stuff and move far, far away. Today was the first time we (somewhat) openly talked about moving and it went surprisingly well. The reactions were of genuine interest and even though it sometimes feels like people just nod their heads and say “oh cool” no matter what they are actually thinking – and I’m okay with that.
The reactions resolved me to tell my closest friends when I see them in the next couple of weeks. I’m nervous – but it needs to happen.
Today started as a total crap day. Work sucked. And I mean it – it sucked so hard that I literally had to ask myself several times throughout the day “if this isn’t the final straw – then what will be? at what point will this level of bullsh!t and misery induce me to quit? at what point will I give in? and finally, have I started to become so conditioned to how sh!tty it is that I will never really have a final straw and will just inevitably keep putting up with worse and worse?” Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we condition ourselves to deal with more and more stress and unhappiness? I don’t get it. To that end – I deal best with stress with small to moderate amounts alcohol and really good movies.
To that end, I just finished watching the commentary on Shaun of the Dead – which is arguably one of the top ten films ever made. This is the first time I have watched the commentary on any of the Cornetto trilogy films – and I do plan to watch the next two over the coming weeks. Bear in mind I have seen each of the films countless times, Hot Fuzz has to be in the 100s by now seeing as my love and I literally watched it once a week for like a year straight I am quite certain.
The commentary was wicked, super funny and honestly so fast paced with the random trivia that the few drinks I had more-than-a-little-impaired my viewing experience. And I knew a lot of the random trivia to begin with! There are just so many, intricate little details, clues and references it is truly a pleasure to watch – because every time you watch it – you pick up something else and it is a whole new movie again. I love that fact about all three of the Cornetto trilogy movies – and if you have no idea what I am talking about…then we are fighting because you need to get your shit together and watch them. Then we can be back on speaking terms.
So while you start in on the wiki rabbit hole of all things Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (do it) – I am going to try and convince my husband to watch Hot Fuzz instead of the game six Houston – Portland series…Go Blazers!
I don’t really know what to say. I had a small first today – I observed (i.e. did not participate in but was present for) a yin yoga class for the first time today. It was a great moment because I really felt that a lot of my talking about teaching people how to heal themselves culminated today. Just being in an environment of healing, both mentally and physically, was what I needed to understand why I started this crazy journey in the first place. You could tangibly feel it in the room. People working through myriad issues, trying to work with their strengths and blast through their weaknesses. To conquer their minds and bodies and accept their limitations.
Yet – I still feel more then a little dead. I cannot escape this feeling of dread, of being lost, of never knowing the home I can’t find. It is frustrating. It is unsettling. Who am I to teach to heal, to accept oneself wholly and completely – when, I don’t know what I am hanging onto sometimes. I cannot wrap my head around waking up everyday when everyday I make such little progress. I honestly feel like I have never really known myself and I am running out of patience trying to learn. I think back on myself at different stages in my life and I feel like a fraud. Like I have never really been true to myself. I feel like I am on borrowed time. I am tired of looking back but I feel like if I don’t push through my past these next few weeks and come out a stronger and truer me then I have ever been before – I will always be looking back. I need to understand where I have been in order to figure out my future.
Don’t we all have to face our demons before we can defeat them? Does it normally take this long?
Most importantly I want to live for today and to embrace it, to not deny my past but not to dwell on it, and to look forward to tomorrow but not to wish for it.
Most likely tomorrow will come, I will wake again, go about my day just like every other before it, and end it having made little progress. But I want to not worry about yesterday or the days to come.
Most likely these are just the ravings of a self-diagnosed manic depressive that needs to go to bed.
So today I compiled a list of my greatest fears. I don’t like spiders, speaking in public or touching gross bumpy things. None of these are on the list. Admittedly the list is a work in progress – but seeing some of my darkest fears typed out in front of me is a bit harrowing.
Seeing how irrational some of them are is a bit hilarious.
Reading them makes me want to conquer them. Conquer is a bit of a ridiculous word in this situation – but I don’t want to “work through them” – that just sounds laborious. Conquer feels fast, strong, fun. Game of Thrones style – I’m going to direwolf this shit.
This week has been a rough one – too much time to think – not enough time to do anything about it.
afistfulofcrazy 