Day Thirty Three

black

Today was a Pearl Jam Ten listening, Hemingway brooding, spending-too-much-time-inside-my-own-head kind of day.

So today will be the first day I use the words of another to describe exactly what my day was and what the hell was going on inside of it.

 

sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
were laid spread out before me as her body once did.
all of five horizons revolved around her soul as the earth to the sun
now the air i tasted and breathed has taken a turn

ooh, and all i taught her was everything
ooh, i know she gave me all that she was

and now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds of what was everything.
oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything

i take a walk outside, i’m surrounded by some kids at play
i can feel their laughter, so why do i sear?
oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head, i’m spinning, oh,
i’m spinning, how quick the sun can drop away

and now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
all the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything

all the love gone bad turned my world to black
tattooed all i see, all that i am, all i’ll be

i know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
i know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky,
but why, why, why can’t it be, can’t it be mine?

black – pearl jam

 

jesus, don’t want me for a sunbeam
sunbeams are not made like me

don’t expect me to cry
for all the reasons you had to die
don’t ever ask your love of me

don’t expect me to cry
don’t expect me to lie
don’t expect me to die for thee

jesus doesn’t want me for a sunbeam – the vaselines

 

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Day Thirty Two

knots

I am a bit at a loss today.

For starters, I had a productive day, I got a lot done. One thing to know about me is that I am a major to do list person. I love crossing stuff off and if I do something that’s not on the list you ask? Well, I write it on the list then cross it off. And don’t give me sh!t about it, I mean the blog is called a fistful of crazy. You knew what you were getting into. Despite all that I got done – it feels like all I did was kind of daydream the day away. Normally I get kind of pissed if I daydream too much because it doesn’t accomplish anything tangible. Today, however, I feel okay with the time I spent envisioning my love and I being somewhere else. It makes me feel hopeful and creative. I know – I’m so effing weird.

So today I had a shopping/errand trip with my mom. And for the first time in a very long time – it went well. Now typically it goes “well”, but I tend to just get through it and stew about all the little hurtful comments, the snide side remarks, the innuendoes that I am not living up to her standards or preferences. Today, well today was different. Now don’t go jumping the gun – there were plenty of opportunities for the snide remarks, the innuendoes, the back handed compliments – but either I was able to ignore them or there just were not as many as usual.

I actually think I was just able to hear them differently.

I feel as though these past weeks have brought about some revelations. Realizations about many of my relationships, how I have always viewed them, how right or wrong I have been in doing so, what and who I am to myself and those around me and the weight I put in other people’s opinions. Super broad subjects, I know. But speaking specifically is a little more open and personal than I can get right now. I’d need a whole lot of alcohol and time on my hands for that. For now, sufficed to say, that whatever I heard today from my mom – at the end of our few hours together, I actually felt like she just wanted me to be happy. Just to be happy but sometimes on her terms and in her way. And while I think the qualification is something that I do not agree with – something I do not like (to place on my wishes for loved one’s happiness, nor to be placed on their wishes for my happiness) – it still comes down to her wanting me to be happy and successful. To be the best person I can be, and even if she doesn’t get a lot of my choices, doesn’t agree with my getting a back tattoo, doesn’t like that I was not married in the Catholic church, she still wants me to happy and have love and be loved.

And she loves me. And that means a lot. It means that I am finally getting through the bs, not being so cynical all the time, and accepting that I am loved. I am worthy of love and I need to start loving myself. Because if someone as crazy and strong and giving and smart as my mom loves me for who I am then I need to too. And if my lovely husband can love me, then I can too.

Wow, I am really starting to sound like a crazy yoga chick. Whatever. It’s all about the love man.

the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return – eden ahbez

 

Day Thirty One

orchid

Well I’ve made it into the thirties – no meltdowns yet. Not anything major at least.

Today was another training day for me. I had yoga from 7:30-15:30 and it actually went really well. Although, I think knowing that I am like four training days away from this being over with helps a lot with that sentiment. But today’s first was that I followed through on my promise to myself to just not really give a sh!t. I mean – I was nervous and not really looking forward to today – because I just want it over with – however I did at the end of the day lead two classes two separate times. Once for all of five minutes, but another (that I actually helped to create) for about fifteen and I was recorded for my own future reference. I was nervous, but I smiled, didn’t worry about slip ups and mistakes and just soldiered through. I received excellent feedback.

Boom! That’s how you drop the mic!

No seriously though, public speaking has always been a huge issue for me. Basically any situation where I will or can make a fool of myself – I have always avoided. In the past thirty one days I have played soccer and basketball with my husband (for the first time; again – I tend to avoid things I am not good at because I assume the day will end up with me being laughed at), I have led two different yoga groups and I have started to be a lot more honest (still in as nice a way as possible) with friends and family.

I think I am finally starting to see how I can control my fears, trepidations and shortcomings. I can conquer them with sheer will and by absolutely refusing to let me hold me back. I need to continue working towards the person I am meant to be – crushing one fear, barrier and negative thought at a time.

Life is too damned short.

 

 

Well you’re in your little room
and you’re working on something good
but if it’s really good
you’re gonna need a bigger room
and when you’re in the bigger room
you might not know what to do
you might have to think of
how you got started
sitting in your little room

Little Room by The White Stripes

Day Thirty

dune

Today I will be celebrating another birthday. I will also be attempting to avoid seeing Frozen for the first time. I don’t want to see it. I love Disney movies, especially all the princess movies – but for some reason I want to go to the grave having never seen Frozen. Same with the Biebs – I want to go to the grave being able to say I have never heard a Justin Bieber song from start to finish – clips sure – but never a whole song. I feel like this will lend a certain distinction and credibility to my life that few others can claim.

It is a beautiful day outside today. I am hungover however – please see yesterday’s post for further explanation – and for the first time on a nice day, all I want to do is take a nap. So I think I will.

Day Twenty Nine

chandelier

Well it has finally happened…..one of my closest friends has turned thirty today. I’m all that’s left holding onto my 20s. Three weeks left, and counting. I started with seven weeks, seven & three are the numbers I am claiming as lucky. These first four weeks have been a little slow, non? That means the next three need to be kicked up to eleven.

Today was going to be the day that I told three of my closer friends that my love and I are moving. That I have not been feeling that great mentally, and that it hurt me that they have never really followed up on how I have been feeling. Instead we are going to a big birthday dinner in honor of the big 3-0 and I have decided to let it go. I’ve said it before, but it still gnaws at me. I hate that it gnaws at me. I will be letting go of those feelings. Regret for telling them anything at all, guilt that my crazy has changed the way they look at me, guilt that I care if they see me differently after being open and honest with some of my closest confidants. I’m moving on. I have to. I am not going to tell them about the move until we go out another time – I don’t want to steal my girl’s thunder on her birthday.

Also, I’m a little nervous to tell them because I have a bad feeling about a few of their likely reactions. I’ve been keeping this exciting and big news pretty low key because I don’t want to be asked how it’s going, when, where, etc. I don’t want to hear objections and suggestions. I just want everyone we tell to be super happy for us and nothing more. Because that is what I always am for their big life decisions and changes.

Anyway. I finally started reading Elaine Lui’s Listen to the Squawking Chicken today. God, she is so funny. If I could have any trait, it would be Lainey’s ability to write. To me creative talents like writing – are gifted to people. You are born with it. Sure you can practice and get better – but few people are truly gifted at expressing themselves in thought-provoking pose. Words are powerful and I am jealous of those who easily control them.

Aside from the dinner, being the last to turn thirty and reading the first chapter of a great new book – today will hold another first. I will make sure of it. And I will fill in all the gory details tomorrow because for the first time – I have this post written twelve hours before deadline.

UPDATE: My last first came when I was challenged to a beer chugging contest with two of my best friends – admittedly I was goaded on by a couple of shots and my very first time ever order of bourbon on the rocks. I will still conquer bourbon this year. Anyway; I was confident – then one friend started talking herself up a bit. I got a little nervous, but I still had a good feeling that I would walk away the champion. And I did. I finished my 16 oz Miller Lite in about four seconds – dominating the competition and revealing for the first time my favorite not-so-great-I-don’t-know-that-this-is-something-to-be-proud-of  talent of excellence in beer chugging to friends I have known for years. Stay classy.

Day Twenty Eight

garthww

Totally just watched Wayne’s World with a couple of tall boys and my love. Seriously – can we talk for a minute about how f#%&ing awesome this movie is? The Ed O’Neill, the ever gorgeous and eternally young Rob Lowe, the shwings, the Alice Cooper and obviously all of the glorious early 90s jokes that I honestly don’t think kids today would ever understand nor appreciate. That is why I will never understand nor appreciate kids today. Except my two nieces – they’re perfect and cute and awesome – all the rest I just can’t get with. Especially since they all wear the cute tiny flower print skirts and jumpers circa 1992 – wtf. Do they get how important the transition form metal to grunge really was? What it did to the music industry? To the world? I digress; it’s such a classic movie from my younger days. I mean how many of us out there know all the lyrics to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody (and have exhibited such in our cars when we thought no one was watching) because of Wayne’s World? And it’s twenty-two years old. 

Speaking of the 90s; I made a pretty big decision today. I am going back to platinum blonde and I am going to try it myself using Manic Panic. Hahahahahaha. This will occur before my 30th and I hope it goes well. I haven’t dyed my hair in years – the cheap vegan in me – and the first time I will have bought Manic Panic since 1996 – so I was twelve – going on thirteen. And here I am twenty nine going on thirty. Awesome. 

No…Benjamin is no one’s friend; if Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.

Day Twenty Seven

jareth

With our upcoming move – we have decided to start selling our things. This has been under discussion for some time now – the amount of stuff we have is not hoarders crazy, but enough that it feels like a heavy weight on our shoulders – holding us back. We’ve had some serious dialogues about selling everything over the past few months – but today,, for the first time, it really hit me. I hate our stuff. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love how our home looks, I love a lot of the individual pieces of furniture, I love a lot of the books, cds and movies we’ve kept after several downsizings, it’s just that I hate how tied to our current location all the stuff makes me feel. It really is a weight holding us to this plot of the earth.

I want to be many people by the end of my life. I want to live many places. Sometimes I feel like that creepy garbage lady in Labyrinth – you know when Sarah ends up in what she thinks is her room after the ballroom/party hallucination? It’s like I’ve always been collecting it & carrying it on my back. God I love that movie. David Bowie….mmmm….Our stuff needs to go.

Day Twenty Six

stars worth writing about

So I just spent about twenty minutes watching old Nickelodeon videos of all the shows I watched growing up. I am so effing old. Salute Your Shorts, Doug, Hey Arnold, Pete & Pete, Rocko’s Modern Life, The Secret World of Alex Mack and of course the vast collection of Marc Summers gems. Seriously – what is up with kids programming today – that stuff was solid gold. Watch any of those shows and I guarantee you will be a happier person for it.

Now for the real content of today’s post. Today I have decided that this experiment in blogging, writing, whatever this is – will continue. I am actually really excited about it. I want to expand to fashion posts, food posts – and not just gross & poorly edited photos of food – but really delicious recipes, entertainment reviews and so on. For the first time – I have said it out loud and in the open. I want to continue blogging for the foreseeable future. I want to write and that is definitely a first. I want to improve, get more comfortable, write honestly, keep it funny (because I am – not that the past 25 days has shown it) and write something worth reading. I mean – this isn’t Salinger or anything. In fact it’s probably a little closer to Twilight level – as in mediocre amateur – but it feels great so f#%& it. I’m going to keep at it. I have not deluded myself into thinking many will read it – but if I can create something worth reading to even a few – then that will mean something to me.

 

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down to a typewriter and bleed. -Ernest Hemingway

Day Twenty Five

kresge

As a follow up, or summary thought, to some of my pontificating yesterday; I would like to simply state the following. I think a place, a person, a thing, can all hold extremely negative energy if we let it. Sometimes it is so hard to not let the negative energy get to us, that it is no longer worth trying to be around that place, person or thing. The energy put into forgiving is simply wasted. Perhaps, it is better to just let go and move on in those cases.

And now for more exciting things. I have determined that since yesterday ended on a bit of a bitter note; today will end a little sweeter. I would like to make my first list of things I will miss when we move. Things I love about living around Detroit. It is a great city after all. And this list will include no people – obviously there is a long list of people – but let’s not get too personal. We will stick to things and places that are important to me. And since this is a first list I am limiting it to the tip-pity-top.

1. The Detroit Institute of Arts: I have been going here as long as I can remember. My dad always took me down there for special exhibits, to browse the galleries and enjoy a snack in the incomparable Kresge Court. I have always wanted to live in Kresge Court. There’s this amazing Bill Rauhauser photograph of a woman sitting in Kresge Court in the 1960s smoking a cigarette and looking absolutely, perfectly unhappy, bored, beautiful. Needless to say I want to be her when I live in Kresge Court. I can then write a book about my adventures while living as a stow away in the best art museum on the planet – hands down.

2. The Growing Small Business Scene: Made in Detroit is coming back. And I’m not talking that stupid Kid Rock line – thats a little too trailer for me. I’m talking Shinola watches, bikes and leather goods. I’m talking street wear labels like The Handsome Fox, Burn Rubber Detroit and The Dirt Label. Bad ass home furnishings by Rail & Anchor and Scout that support local companies and artists as well as major designers.

3. The Burgeoning Hipster Vegan/Beverage Scene: There are some seriously delicious and shady vegan-friendly places popping up all around the city. From Seva, to Detroit Vegan Soul Food and PJ’s Lager House (where I totally used to underage drink about ten $1 PBRs a night). There is Avalon Bakery, Great Lakes Coffee Company and the ever refreshing Majestic Complex eateries the Majestic Cafe and good old Sgt. Pepperoni’s. Oh man I almost forgot Traffic Jam & Snug and the Motor City Brewing Works, MiChigo Pizza and The WAB. So many amazing eateries, so little time.

4. The Michigan Renaissance Festival: yes, I know this is super cheesy. I don’t dress up – anymore – but again, I have been going to this since forever and I love it and I will miss it. There are some performers who have been there every year since I started going there forever ago and I will miss them. It is just good old cheesy, classic fun.

5. Tigers Games: I am not, as a rule, terribly fond of baseball. But there is just something about going to Comerica Park and enjoying a night game in the middle of summer that is just magical. Detroit is a great sports city, with somewhat douche-y fans, but they all love their teams. I never get to enjoy a cold beer and Minute Maid Frozen Lemonade at the same time – except Tigers games in the summer. And it is a delicious combo indeed.

I am greatly looking forward to our big move, but I will miss these things. And someday when I visit family and friends, my love and I will sneak into the DIA Royal Tenenbaum styles and sleep in an air vent in Kresge Court and we will be happy little bees. Look for my memoirs.

Day Twenty Four

Mi

What does it mean then you dread going home the last hour of your nine and a half hour drive to get there? I love being with my love, I love my stupid cats, I love what we do together in our home but I hate the neighbors and neighborhood. I hate the winters. I hate how crappy the roads are and how all summer we will deal with constructions just to drive for two – four weeks without orange cones before the snow starts again. I hate how long the winters are and how depressed I get during the endless grey winter days. I hate that I use the word hate so much to describe my home – but when something makes me feel so miserable, there is no other word. I’m not a “don’t like” person – I hate it. Within twenty minutes of being home I was in a dark and miserable state of mind when only three hours ago I remember being in a fantastically happy and blissful mood thinking of what a great trip we had and what a crazy good weekend of firsts it was.

I think it means that I am truly ready to move on. Change of location has to occur in order to make any real progress in creative work endeavors, in living a happier and more fulfilled existence. Basically I feel like I have to move to complete my journey of moving onto a better version of myself. I know that can be a dangerous line of thought – “if I ______ I will be happier”. We all do this. We fill in the blank with lose weight, move, get married, get divorced, change jobs, change my hair. We all trick ourselves into believing that one simple thing will be a cure all for our issues. I do this all the time. But today for the first time I really, wholly and to my bones felt that Michigan has no hold for me anymore. I love my friends and family. I will miss them. However, I don’t mind calling, texting, skyping, flying or driving to see them. I do mind being so unhappy thinking about going home. About not having a f$&!ing month in the next twelve of decent driving on decent roads to look forward to. While I do believe that it can be dangerous when we put all of our hope into one change changing everything – I also strongly believe that sometimes we cannot complete the progress we set out to make without a drastic change. It has to happen soon.

On to happier subjects, we did have a great weekend, we did score a ton of sweet Jack White, Whirlwind Heat and Third Man Records swag. We did have very good drives both ways, no issues. We had literally the most perfect weather we could have asked for – sunny, low to no humidity and mid-70s. My skin actually cooperated and is beginning to look better after only a couple of days of finally turning to slathering it with Vaseline – so I didn’t feel like a leper the whole trip. We had a great time hitting up Two Bits for some arcade action, tasty local brews and cajun tots and house made thin-cut waffle chips. We hit up Taco Mamacitas for some delicious vegan avocado and plantain tacos and cheap Mexican beers. We even met an adorable little dachshund named Heintz – that stole my heart I might add – at the Filling Station when we were getting a growler of yummy Stiegl Radler (an Austrian beer brewed with grapefruit soda – omg it’s delicious).

All in all a fantastic weekend trip.

One I would highly recommend.

One I plan to continue to recreate in some way or another for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to hate going home – so we will move soon.

I love to travel – so we will.

I love spending time with my love – so I will.

I’m tired and want to go to bed now – so goodnight.