Sometimes life figures you out first.

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So it has been a red letter day. We got up, did some errands, spent some money (what felt like a lot) on staples for the house and cat. Then got a super exciting Hario V60 drip coffee kit and 20% off open box/display Bonavita electric kettle for free from Williams-Sonoma with AmEx points and we still have $16 left over. Then spent a fairly productive day working on stuff for the cafe, talking to Steve about readjusting plans for the project board, playing with our new coffee geek goods, making stew and getting quite a start on the business plan. Then after dinner I started to kind of freak out, regretting the shitty (but good paying) jobs we’ve given up for the security they offered (gross), regretting the two months and thousands of dollars spent traveling this year to figure our shit out away from people (f-cking stupid and ungrateful), just asking all the what ifs until they became a swirling vortex of black tar negative thoughts…What if we suck at this? What if we hate it? What if we know nothing about coffee? What if we get burned out woking too hard and too long? All questions that have reasonably simple answers. We won’t suck – we know this. We won’t because we will be working together to build our future like we’ve wanted to forever – and if we hate it, then at least we tried. We do know a lot about coffee already, and we can learn more. We will hire some additional help. But the biggest one and scariest one and the one I really hate f-cking asking because I feel like a f-cking coward doing it and I don’t like that a question can get the better of me…is…what if we fail? And still, at the end of the day, so what. So we fail at opening a business, at least we tried. At least we still have family to help us out for a couple months to get back on our feet. At least we have never felt hunger or thirst or needed a bed at night. We are lucky. And just when I was starting to feel better, more positive and not so negative nervous – just more cautiously optimistically anxious…I get an email for a possible egg donation match. It would be my fourth. First was in June 2012, second August 2012, third May 2013…I have always thought of the extra money as fantastic and helpful and great. It helped me to quit Allstate which was a quagmire of misery. It helped me to figure out some shit and face some fears and learn a whole lot about me, yoga and others by getting RYT200 certified. It helped fund these past two months – even as it has gotten dangerously low. Mostly I have felt that it was some sort of dream karma. Helping people fulfill a dream that I do not share for myself and my family (that being my Love and Me and a future for our existing family and friends but to never add to the number personally) – but in some messed up cosmic way – to maybe gain some karma assistance in fulfilling our dreams for our family and our future. So for this email to have come today…I have to believe that things sometimes do happen for a reason.

Day Twenty Five

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As a follow up, or summary thought, to some of my pontificating yesterday; I would like to simply state the following. I think a place, a person, a thing, can all hold extremely negative energy if we let it. Sometimes it is so hard to not let the negative energy get to us, that it is no longer worth trying to be around that place, person or thing. The energy put into forgiving is simply wasted. Perhaps, it is better to just let go and move on in those cases.

And now for more exciting things. I have determined that since yesterday ended on a bit of a bitter note; today will end a little sweeter. I would like to make my first list of things I will miss when we move. Things I love about living around Detroit. It is a great city after all. And this list will include no people – obviously there is a long list of people – but let’s not get too personal. We will stick to things and places that are important to me. And since this is a first list I am limiting it to the tip-pity-top.

1. The Detroit Institute of Arts: I have been going here as long as I can remember. My dad always took me down there for special exhibits, to browse the galleries and enjoy a snack in the incomparable Kresge Court. I have always wanted to live in Kresge Court. There’s this amazing Bill Rauhauser photograph of a woman sitting in Kresge Court in the 1960s smoking a cigarette and looking absolutely, perfectly unhappy, bored, beautiful. Needless to say I want to be her when I live in Kresge Court. I can then write a book about my adventures while living as a stow away in the best art museum on the planet – hands down.

2. The Growing Small Business Scene: Made in Detroit is coming back. And I’m not talking that stupid Kid Rock line – thats a little too trailer for me. I’m talking Shinola watches, bikes and leather goods. I’m talking street wear labels like The Handsome Fox, Burn Rubber Detroit and The Dirt Label. Bad ass home furnishings by Rail & Anchor and Scout that support local companies and artists as well as major designers.

3. The Burgeoning Hipster Vegan/Beverage Scene: There are some seriously delicious and shady vegan-friendly places popping up all around the city. From Seva, to Detroit Vegan Soul Food and PJ’s Lager House (where I totally used to underage drink about ten $1 PBRs a night). There is Avalon Bakery, Great Lakes Coffee Company and the ever refreshing Majestic Complex eateries the Majestic Cafe and good old Sgt. Pepperoni’s. Oh man I almost forgot Traffic Jam & Snug and the Motor City Brewing Works, MiChigo Pizza and The WAB. So many amazing eateries, so little time.

4. The Michigan Renaissance Festival: yes, I know this is super cheesy. I don’t dress up – anymore – but again, I have been going to this since forever and I love it and I will miss it. There are some performers who have been there every year since I started going there forever ago and I will miss them. It is just good old cheesy, classic fun.

5. Tigers Games: I am not, as a rule, terribly fond of baseball. But there is just something about going to Comerica Park and enjoying a night game in the middle of summer that is just magical. Detroit is a great sports city, with somewhat douche-y fans, but they all love their teams. I never get to enjoy a cold beer and Minute Maid Frozen Lemonade at the same time – except Tigers games in the summer. And it is a delicious combo indeed.

I am greatly looking forward to our big move, but I will miss these things. And someday when I visit family and friends, my love and I will sneak into the DIA Royal Tenenbaum styles and sleep in an air vent in Kresge Court and we will be happy little bees. Look for my memoirs.

Day Twenty Four

Mi

What does it mean then you dread going home the last hour of your nine and a half hour drive to get there? I love being with my love, I love my stupid cats, I love what we do together in our home but I hate the neighbors and neighborhood. I hate the winters. I hate how crappy the roads are and how all summer we will deal with constructions just to drive for two – four weeks without orange cones before the snow starts again. I hate how long the winters are and how depressed I get during the endless grey winter days. I hate that I use the word hate so much to describe my home – but when something makes me feel so miserable, there is no other word. I’m not a “don’t like” person – I hate it. Within twenty minutes of being home I was in a dark and miserable state of mind when only three hours ago I remember being in a fantastically happy and blissful mood thinking of what a great trip we had and what a crazy good weekend of firsts it was.

I think it means that I am truly ready to move on. Change of location has to occur in order to make any real progress in creative work endeavors, in living a happier and more fulfilled existence. Basically I feel like I have to move to complete my journey of moving onto a better version of myself. I know that can be a dangerous line of thought – “if I ______ I will be happier”. We all do this. We fill in the blank with lose weight, move, get married, get divorced, change jobs, change my hair. We all trick ourselves into believing that one simple thing will be a cure all for our issues. I do this all the time. But today for the first time I really, wholly and to my bones felt that Michigan has no hold for me anymore. I love my friends and family. I will miss them. However, I don’t mind calling, texting, skyping, flying or driving to see them. I do mind being so unhappy thinking about going home. About not having a f$&!ing month in the next twelve of decent driving on decent roads to look forward to. While I do believe that it can be dangerous when we put all of our hope into one change changing everything – I also strongly believe that sometimes we cannot complete the progress we set out to make without a drastic change. It has to happen soon.

On to happier subjects, we did have a great weekend, we did score a ton of sweet Jack White, Whirlwind Heat and Third Man Records swag. We did have very good drives both ways, no issues. We had literally the most perfect weather we could have asked for – sunny, low to no humidity and mid-70s. My skin actually cooperated and is beginning to look better after only a couple of days of finally turning to slathering it with Vaseline – so I didn’t feel like a leper the whole trip. We had a great time hitting up Two Bits for some arcade action, tasty local brews and cajun tots and house made thin-cut waffle chips. We hit up Taco Mamacitas for some delicious vegan avocado and plantain tacos and cheap Mexican beers. We even met an adorable little dachshund named Heintz – that stole my heart I might add – at the Filling Station when we were getting a growler of yummy Stiegl Radler (an Austrian beer brewed with grapefruit soda – omg it’s delicious).

All in all a fantastic weekend trip.

One I would highly recommend.

One I plan to continue to recreate in some way or another for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to hate going home – so we will move soon.

I love to travel – so we will.

I love spending time with my love – so I will.

I’m tired and want to go to bed now – so goodnight.