Day Thirty Five

tree rings

I don’t really know what to say. I had a small first today – I observed (i.e. did not participate in but was present for) a yin yoga class for the first time today. It was a great moment because I really felt that a lot of my talking about teaching people how to heal themselves culminated today. Just being in an environment of healing, both mentally and physically, was what I needed to understand why I started this crazy journey in the first place. You could tangibly feel it in the room. People working through myriad issues, trying to work with their strengths and blast through their weaknesses. To conquer their minds and bodies and accept their limitations.

Yet – I still feel more then a little dead. I cannot escape this feeling of dread, of being lost, of never knowing the home I can’t find. It is frustrating. It is unsettling. Who am I to teach to heal, to accept oneself wholly and completely – when, I don’t know what I am hanging onto sometimes. I cannot wrap my head around waking up everyday when everyday I make such little progress. I honestly feel like I have never really known myself and I am running out of patience trying to learn. I think back on myself at different stages in my life and I feel like a fraud. Like I have never really been true to myself. I feel like I am on borrowed time. I am tired of looking back but I feel like if I don’t push through my past these next few weeks and come out a stronger and truer me then I have ever been before – I will always be looking back. I need to understand where I have been in order to figure out my future.

Don’t we all have to face our demons before we can defeat them? Does it normally take this long?

Most importantly I want to live for today and to embrace it, to not deny my past but not to dwell on it, and to look forward to tomorrow but not to wish for it.

Most likely tomorrow will come, I will wake again, go about my day just like every other before it, and end it having made little progress. But I want to not worry about yesterday or the days to come.

Most likely these are just the ravings of a self-diagnosed manic depressive that needs to go to bed.


Day Seventeen


This was a crazy weekend. I feel like so many of my weeks blur together and I’m not really sure what day it is. Today felt like a Sunday – and it was. It was a beautiful day here. Sunny, slightly breezy, a bit of cloud cover to keep the temperature moderate and a first taste of that famous humidity that plagues so many summer days in Michigan. For maybe a week or more I have been picturing very clearly a future home for my husband and I. Just a very specific section of a living room. I don’t know if it’s in Portland or Paris or London or Tokyo or even somewhere in the Maldives. I just know that it feels like home. I am happy and comfortable picturing it and I want to be there.

This is the first time in my memorable past (aka maybe ten-fifteen years) that I have so vividly pictured a future for myself that it feels like I am there. Like it is tactile, already my reality and I have lived it. There’s a fuzzy feeling of contentment that feels right. Maybe it was just a dream that I am remembering. Maybe my subconscious is sapping this vision from a movie or show or an immersive description in a book. But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels original, and all my own. It feels so good to be able to claim a vision of my future life. It just feels great to want a future at all.

Suicide has such an awful stigma attached to it. Unfortunately that stigma makes it hard for me to even write that I have contemplated suicide as much as I have these past few years. The first reaction of some family and friends (the grand total is eight btw) that I have spoken to is anger. A “how dare you” attitude that only compounds how shitty and nervous I feel about talking to anyone (let alone a friend who claims to love me) about these thoughts and feelings. Another reaction is disbelief – “really? you? you always have it together though. you’re so strong.” Like this is something I would lie about. If you know me enough to think me strong and together – then know me enough to believe what I am saying to you right now. One of the hardest parts when telling family and friends is you can practically feel the crazy brand being burned into your forehead. Never again do they seem to ask “how are you?” and really mean it. The questions are always direct; “how is your mom doing? how is your husband? how is your work going?” A truly, deep-down heartfelt “how are you?”  seems to be off the menu. You know what I mean right? Someone asks you something they might know the answer to but they just really want you to honestly talk to them – and whatever you say they will hear it and love you the same at the end of your answer as they did eight months ago before you branded your forehead with i’m a f#%&ing crazy mess.

I am a f#%&ing crazy mess – a fistful of it. But I also have a really clear picture of a home I want to create and exist in. I want that future and that is a really f#%&ing great first for today.