Not sure about today. It was a good day in general, no complaints, no real worries, just a run of the mill Tuesday. Still not sure of it though. I guess I give today the kind of look Larry David delivers whenever he is skeptical or suspicious on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Today I experienced a lethal dose of super angry mom, she exploded at me, I reacted kind of like an as-hole but it felt like full on defensive as-hole & she went silent on me for the rest of the evening. Full on 4-yr old temper tantrum silent. Only it lasted a lot longer then a 4-yr old tantrum does, but it was carried out in much the same way. Some pouting, some huffing, some louder-than-necessary movements and I didn’t cave. For the first time, I think ever, I didn’t feel guilty enough to cave and apologize or ask if she was ok or try and placate her by agreeing to buy her that toy she wanted (kidding – she would be totally fine with some candy or ice cream). I don’t even think I remember feeling anything more then a glimmer of guilt. That is crazy talk for me. And like I have promised myself, I cannot be held for the way other people handle situations. I can only be responsible for how I handle myself and how I respond. I am no longer going to take responsibility for loved one’s behaviors, attitudes or opinions. I’ve had it! I am not Solange Knowles, I have never violently attacked anyone in any way and I don’t plan to. That said, I am taking the Jay-Z approach, defensive but only to a point. I will not allow anyone to get the better of me and I will not allow myself to sink to a level I do not wish to exist on.
Today we gathered our garage sale goods ready for the sale tomorrow. I am so flipping tired and so crazy excited to see all of this getting out of our house and hopefully making us some ca-sheesh. For the first time – I am finally making a deal with myself to take people at face value. I realized this morning how utterly ridiculous I am (this was brought on by reflections on what happened to me last night and most times I drink) – and I genuinely don’t know if I have ever really truly and whole heartedly have believed my husband when he tells me he loves me no matter what. I am an a$$hole. I never said I wasn’t. I am fully resolved now to not dwell on what others think of me or what they might be thinking – I am taking them for what they say to me, and how they outwardly & obviously act towards me. If someone can’t tell me what they really think of me, what they really want to say, if they can’t be honest – then honestly, they aren’t worth it.
honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom – thomas jefferson
Happy Star Wars Day! How did you celebrate? I had yoga training all day but I just finished Episode IV with my love and a couple of cocktails. The perfect end to a long day.
I am quickly closing in on 30. It has been a long few weeks, a lot of introspection, acceptance, moving on. There is still a long way to go.
Today was the first day that I allowed myself to get really excited about finishing yoga. I mean I have been excited but it has always felt more like – it’s going to be over with and then I can move on. Today that changed. I really felt like I could see the conclusion, I am excited about it, I am nervous about it, but mostly I am super proud of the progress I have made and super excited to finally realize this accomplishment. It feels like it will mean a lot more to me then just a piece of paper saying I am certified. This has been a gigantic stumbling block for me this past year. It has always lingered at the back of my mind, hanging over my head, holding me down and making me feel ridiculously guilty (for the cost, the not finishing it last year like I planned and wanted to, the fact that I hadn’t just stuck it out – I can always find ways to turn anything into a failure and then use it against myself). I am even looking forward to putting together my very own yin yoga flow, teaching part of it next week and being filmed, and the big final in a few weeks. In one month I should be certified.