Day Thirty Two

knots

I am a bit at a loss today.

For starters, I had a productive day, I got a lot done. One thing to know about me is that I am a major to do list person. I love crossing stuff off and if I do something that’s not on the list you ask? Well, I write it on the list then cross it off. And don’t give me sh!t about it, I mean the blog is called a fistful of crazy. You knew what you were getting into. Despite all that I got done – it feels like all I did was kind of daydream the day away. Normally I get kind of pissed if I daydream too much because it doesn’t accomplish anything tangible. Today, however, I feel okay with the time I spent envisioning my love and I being somewhere else. It makes me feel hopeful and creative. I know – I’m so effing weird.

So today I had a shopping/errand trip with my mom. And for the first time in a very long time – it went well. Now typically it goes “well”, but I tend to just get through it and stew about all the little hurtful comments, the snide side remarks, the innuendoes that I am not living up to her standards or preferences. Today, well today was different. Now don’t go jumping the gun – there were plenty of opportunities for the snide remarks, the innuendoes, the back handed compliments – but either I was able to ignore them or there just were not as many as usual.

I actually think I was just able to hear them differently.

I feel as though these past weeks have brought about some revelations. Realizations about many of my relationships, how I have always viewed them, how right or wrong I have been in doing so, what and who I am to myself and those around me and the weight I put in other people’s opinions. Super broad subjects, I know. But speaking specifically is a little more open and personal than I can get right now. I’d need a whole lot of alcohol and time on my hands for that. For now, sufficed to say, that whatever I heard today from my mom – at the end of our few hours together, I actually felt like she just wanted me to be happy. Just to be happy but sometimes on her terms and in her way. And while I think the qualification is something that I do not agree with – something I do not like (to place on my wishes for loved one’s happiness, nor to be placed on their wishes for my happiness) – it still comes down to her wanting me to be happy and successful. To be the best person I can be, and even if she doesn’t get a lot of my choices, doesn’t agree with my getting a back tattoo, doesn’t like that I was not married in the Catholic church, she still wants me to happy and have love and be loved.

And she loves me. And that means a lot. It means that I am finally getting through the bs, not being so cynical all the time, and accepting that I am loved. I am worthy of love and I need to start loving myself. Because if someone as crazy and strong and giving and smart as my mom loves me for who I am then I need to too. And if my lovely husband can love me, then I can too.

Wow, I am really starting to sound like a crazy yoga chick. Whatever. It’s all about the love man.

the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return – eden ahbez

 

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Day Twenty Four

Mi

What does it mean then you dread going home the last hour of your nine and a half hour drive to get there? I love being with my love, I love my stupid cats, I love what we do together in our home but I hate the neighbors and neighborhood. I hate the winters. I hate how crappy the roads are and how all summer we will deal with constructions just to drive for two – four weeks without orange cones before the snow starts again. I hate how long the winters are and how depressed I get during the endless grey winter days. I hate that I use the word hate so much to describe my home – but when something makes me feel so miserable, there is no other word. I’m not a “don’t like” person – I hate it. Within twenty minutes of being home I was in a dark and miserable state of mind when only three hours ago I remember being in a fantastically happy and blissful mood thinking of what a great trip we had and what a crazy good weekend of firsts it was.

I think it means that I am truly ready to move on. Change of location has to occur in order to make any real progress in creative work endeavors, in living a happier and more fulfilled existence. Basically I feel like I have to move to complete my journey of moving onto a better version of myself. I know that can be a dangerous line of thought – “if I ______ I will be happier”. We all do this. We fill in the blank with lose weight, move, get married, get divorced, change jobs, change my hair. We all trick ourselves into believing that one simple thing will be a cure all for our issues. I do this all the time. But today for the first time I really, wholly and to my bones felt that Michigan has no hold for me anymore. I love my friends and family. I will miss them. However, I don’t mind calling, texting, skyping, flying or driving to see them. I do mind being so unhappy thinking about going home. About not having a f$&!ing month in the next twelve of decent driving on decent roads to look forward to. While I do believe that it can be dangerous when we put all of our hope into one change changing everything – I also strongly believe that sometimes we cannot complete the progress we set out to make without a drastic change. It has to happen soon.

On to happier subjects, we did have a great weekend, we did score a ton of sweet Jack White, Whirlwind Heat and Third Man Records swag. We did have very good drives both ways, no issues. We had literally the most perfect weather we could have asked for – sunny, low to no humidity and mid-70s. My skin actually cooperated and is beginning to look better after only a couple of days of finally turning to slathering it with Vaseline – so I didn’t feel like a leper the whole trip. We had a great time hitting up Two Bits for some arcade action, tasty local brews and cajun tots and house made thin-cut waffle chips. We hit up Taco Mamacitas for some delicious vegan avocado and plantain tacos and cheap Mexican beers. We even met an adorable little dachshund named Heintz – that stole my heart I might add – at the Filling Station when we were getting a growler of yummy Stiegl Radler (an Austrian beer brewed with grapefruit soda – omg it’s delicious).

All in all a fantastic weekend trip.

One I would highly recommend.

One I plan to continue to recreate in some way or another for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to hate going home – so we will move soon.

I love to travel – so we will.

I love spending time with my love – so I will.

I’m tired and want to go to bed now – so goodnight.

Day Twenty Three

rsd blog

Once again I know I’m late getting this posted but whatever. I thought of my post all day so that still counts right? If not, too bad. Here goes.

This was a day of many many firsts. So many awesome firsts in fact that I’m not so sure I can do them all justice in this post.

For starters, today was Record Store Day 2014; the seventh RSD and with seven being one of my new lucky numbers – I feel like that was a good sign from the start. This seventh RSD my love and I started early from our Nashville hotel (we were on the seventh floor btw) to make our way to Third Man Records. We arrived to see a fairly large crowd queuing for their copy of The World’s Fastest Record and for the ten o’clock show we ourselves had two tickets for. Once we’d queued for about an hour we were shuffled in to the Blue Room sound studio to settle in for our first time seeing Jack White together.

The show was amazing, there are few words for what an outstanding showman, guitarist, singer et al he really is. Mr. White and his band warmed us up with a live version of High Ball Stepper before jamming out the live recorded direct to acetate versions of Lazareto and Elvis’ Power of My Love that were whisked away for pressing. We were treated to an hour long show spanning White Stripes hits Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground, Hello Operator & Hotel Yorba to tracks from Blunderbuss (Freedom at 21, Weep Themselves to Sleep and Love Interruption) and a few new songs off his upcoming album. It was our first time hearing Three Women, Just One Drink and Would You Fight for My Love. We were twenty feet from the man himself and I don’t think we will quickly forget how lucky we were to be there today.

We left the show, grabbed a free free beers in the courtyard courtesy of Yazoo Brewing, grabbed some delicious iced tea and strawberry mint lemonade from Bang Candy Company and waited a bit to get into the TMR store to buy some sweet swag. While in line we spotted a dude from Criminal Minds – I don’t really know who but I know my mom watches that show and will be pumped to hear we spotted him. We even got a few goodies from the TMR Rolling Record Store.

Our next first came before we went in for our second show of the day. I met Terry Richardson it was awkward because he didn’t even try to sleep with me, but I met him and grabbed a picture too. The last first I will write of today was seeing and hearing Whirlwind Heat for the first time. Holy sh%t have I been missing an awesome band. They tore up the stage, my ears and my musical heart. It was like listening to an early, visceral White Stripes.

As we reluctantly left the Blue Room for the second and last time today we grabbed our copies of the World’s Fastest Record and the re-release of Do Rabbits Wonder? by Whirlwind Heat. Such an awesome day of firsts.

There will be more to come tomorrow from the road home. For now, goodnight from Nashville.

 

RSD14 aka Best Day Ever Track-List:

High Ball Stepper

Lazaretto

Power of My Love

Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground

Freedom at 21

Three Women

Weep Themselves to Sleep

Love Interruption

Hello Operator

Just One Drink

Hotel Yorba

Would You Fight for My Love

Day Twenty One

hhdl

Packing today for our trip to Nashville. Super pumped for it, so get ready for some major boners the next few days over traveling with my love, seeing Jack White perform, shiny new vinyl records, exploring Nashville, enjoying delicious vegan food and more. Not today though. Today I want to pontificate a little about beliefs.

For the first time on this blog/exercise in avoiding therapy, whatever you want to call it, I will talk about religion and my beliefs. I was raised catholic, which of course means that I have since become alienated from the church and have no real interest in organized religion. When raised in the catholic faith you either get confirmed and move on once you’ve satisfied the parent(s) or you stick it out showing up late to mass and putting money in the basket every week for the rest of your life. That being said, I have always been interested in studying various religions, belief-systems, theologies and philosophies.

Overall, I can’t chose just one system that works for me. I pick and choose what helps me to explain the existence of space, time, us, the universe and life. I believe in karma, nothing is without consequences, you reap what you sow and you better sow some love or you will end up drowning in hate. I believe in the power of love and compassion. We can all be better people, we just need to work at it. We can all be happy, we need to work at that too. I wear my mala beads everyday because they are a talisman that remind me of what weights I carry, what I have to let go of and what I have to live for. I believe in the power of meditation and enlightening your mind to better understand your strengths and limitations. Enlightenment is truly something to work towards. We all need to help each other, and look out for other people.

I believe that I need to remind myself of the importance of compassion everyday and remember to practice it. We are all works in progress, perfection is unattainable and that is all part of the journey of life.

 

 

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosphy is kindness.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama

 

 

Life is beauty through and through
Life is sunny, life is cool
Life is even easy too
But if my word is to be true
Life is something to behold
But if the truth is to be told
Let us not leave out any part
Do not fear, it’s safe to say it here
You will not be called a weakling nor a fraud
For feeling the pain of the whole wide world
You want to help but can’t help the feeling you cannot
And it’s killing you while you’re just trying to smile from your heart
So go on, say it, on the same knees you’re praying
Yes, life is hard

Come celebrate
Life is hard
Come celebrate Life is hard
Our life is all we are

Celebrate it in the sun, promenade it with everyone
Elevate it in a song
And I’ll be there to play it, don’t get me wrong
When I feel like dying and being gone
When life is hard
There’s just one thing, let’s not forget
Yes! life is it!
Life is it, life is it, it’s where it’s at
It’s getting skinny, getting fat
It’s falling deep into a love,
It’s getting crushed just like a bug
Life there’s no love, it’s getting beat into the ground
It’s getting lost and getting found,
To growing up and getting round
It’s feeling silence, feeling sound
It’s feeling lonely, feeling full
It’s feeling oh so beautiful!
Yes!

Come celebrate
Life is hard
Come celebrate
Life is hard
Our life is all we are

Life is Hard

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros