My love and I moved to New York today. Well, moved is a strong word. What we did was quit our sh*tty jobs that made us miserable, joined some housesitting websites, and have now begun a journey to figure out what we want out of life. For ourselves and each other. We have never really had this opportunity before. We are extremely lucky to have it now – and we totally get that. We set out early (like 430), drove for 11 hours and found ourselves ready to settle into an apartment for the next 29 days. We cannot wait to set out into the city, and discover it together.
Today…sh-t got real. I was guilted into changing some of the plans I had for my birthday and I was immediately unhappy about said guilt-driven-changes. I was so pissed off, at my family, at myself. After a few hours of wallowing in self-misery I decided to alter my plans back. I don’t want to dread my 30th. I don’t want to worry about anyone saying something to hurt me, or anyone being in a crabby mood and taking it out on me.
That already happened all day today.
We had planned a nice relaxing Mom’s Day for everyone, and it all turned to sh-t. First thing in the morning I was attacked for selling a few cheap frames at the garage sale that apparently were über-important (even though I have never once heard of their apparent irreplaceable appeal). From there a lot of tension clouded the day. We had a delicious brunch at PJ’s Lager House in Corktown and headed to Ikea for some afternoon shopping, but the day was tainted.
I am so tired of talking about the same old sh-t; so for the first time – today I decided what was going to be best for me and said no to anything less. It is liberating and guilt-inducing at the same time. But I guess I am ok with that. I don’t want to lose the instinct to say yes all the time, and to want to please other people. I just want to say no more often when saying yes causes so much unhappiness and stress.
I also cannot wait to turn 30 all of the sudden…it’s weird and I cannot explain it but I feel like it has to be better then this sh-t.
I would also like to add that I am not such a self-absorbed person as I surely come off on this blog. It’s terrifying how opening up and trying to journal via blogging has made me feel/sound so whiney. I typically don’t even tell my love what I am really thinking and feeling on a daily basis. I certainly never tell friends or family – hence the trust issues. This is all a part of the journey I suppose; but please believe when I say that I can’t stand listening to myself whine all over the place either.
Third and final day of the let’s-get-the-f-ck-out-sale and we hit pay dirt. The last of our big items sold, we tallied up our total to almost $700 over the three days and I led my first section of a yin yoga class today for over 20 minutes while being recorded. It was the first day of feeling super sh-t about myself in a while, and the first time that I have gone back on a promise I have made myself since all this crazy started forty four days ago. I had promised quite recently that i would take people at their word, not question motives or honesty, and not care either way. But today, I felt ok with my performance in my yoga training, I managed to pull off coming up with an entirely different flow because I had no wall space to work with, I received great feedback that was both highly positive and constructive criticisms. However, somehow within an hour and a half of leaving yoga, driving home, changing and getting to the sale to help out – I had convinces my self that I suck so bad at yoga that everyone was just trying to be nice, I am a failure in all things, especially yoga, my in-laws hate me, and I am the fat, ugly daughter-in-law that they wish they never had. I hate this spiral of horrible thoughts that I think are absolute truths. It’s hard and frustrating to stop, it’s even harder to reverse and repair the damage.
Today was the first day I have felt like such a failure – I promised myself something and I couldn’t hold it up – and that f-cking sucks.
Second day of the garage/let’s-sell-everything-and-get-the-f-ck-out sale. Went slow but still made some money before spring storms forced an early closure. Secretly we were pretty pumped to get home by two this afternoon, take an indulgent Friday afternoon nap and make some pretty little Mother’s Day cupcakes. I even wrote my first yin yoga flow. All in all a good way to spend the last Friday of my 20s……god that sucks.
Ditto….today was a long one.
We went to a viewing after work for a lifelong family friend who had passed away this past Sunday. I hate viewings; it just makes me think of how few people would show up to mine. Selfish, crazy – I know.
Afterwards we went to the original Buddy’s Pizza in Detroit. We shared a few beers with my father and brother in law and enjoyed a vegan pizza. It was my first time ever going to the original Buddy’s and it was awesome. Not only the pizza but the company. We even talked about our upcoming move and the need for change. The news was received well and even had a note of excitement. Fingers crossed it continues.
I am so f#%&ing exhausted. For the first time since I started this madness, I have a ton to say and am too tired to say it. I will return in the morning with more.
Update: Sorry about that. Yesterday was spent cleaning out the basement, kitchen, closets and more for our garage sale this weekend. I felt so exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of stuff we have – for the first time I got really pissed about it too. In comparison to a lot of friends and family members we really don’t have that much – but to me – it’s like an avalanche of junk.
And the dots are finally connecting as to why I love yin yoga so much. Yin is a place you come to to deal with your sh!t. Not only the physical sh!t you have put your body through (injuries, stress, nutrition deficiencies) but all the mental sh!t you have pent up too. Now seeing all this stuff that we own and want to sell – I fully understand how much I am facing to get to a better place. And honestly, that pissed me off. I ended the day in a fairly sour mood just thinking of the amount of time and money I have spent on all of the material possessions that are now haunting every nook and cranny I peek into. But I also decided late last night (once I had given up trying to sleep for a bit) that I will no longer regret what I have done in my past. I will not dwell on it. It is the past and it will always be there. I have made those decisions and they have made me who I am today – for better or worse – and I am going to work ok being ok with that.
Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.
This is the day…Kentucky Derby Day! Also known as drag yourself to a derby party to watch the big race and eat lots and drink even more day. It was a good day. A day spent with friends and family. Still – it was day that further solidified our decision to sell all of our stuff and move far, far away. Today was the first time we (somewhat) openly talked about moving and it went surprisingly well. The reactions were of genuine interest and even though it sometimes feels like people just nod their heads and say “oh cool” no matter what they are actually thinking – and I’m okay with that.
The reactions resolved me to tell my closest friends when I see them in the next couple of weeks. I’m nervous – but it needs to happen.