Today’s first is bs and it kind of pisses me off. I don’t really have one. So it’s my first day without a specific first – it kind of counts but I don’t want to allow it after official review. I’m pissed because I had the time to find one. To learn about something on wiki and get hooked like I did on Day One. Time to try something new – and I didn’t make sure to do it. So now I’m scrambling to try and get something, anything, posted.
It pisses me off that once again I’m not giving myself the time I need to complete a task that is important to me. Everyone does this, so perhaps I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but I am going to be. If I’m not then who will be?
I was thinking about the priorities in my life and how messed up they can get. How I have always set myself to impossible standards, to other people’s standards, to standards I imagined friends and family held me to. How many times have I made sure to find time to count calories to lose weight to live up to some stupid f^&*ing standard of beauty? Gotten up ridiculously early to get an extra workout in? Stayed up for days on end with hardly any sleep to ace exams so my family wouldn’t be disappointed in me? How many years wasted at the high paying, mind-numbing corporate job because security and money is important and that should make me happy? Right?
Am I creating all of this in my head? Was it all imagined? Did they ever really care about any of my bs? Have they only ever been happy that I am happy? Does it matter? I don’t know.
And here I sit – mind swirling with questions that seem so important; yet all I want to do is not know and to be ok in that ignorance. To move on. To not even care to ask those questions anymore. To move forward with my life and be comforted knowing that I am going to be seeking happiness and that is going to be enough for anyone in my life worth keeping there. Too harsh? Maybe. But why am I just now starting to really worry about what makes me happy? I feel like I don’t even know what makes me happy because I’ve been trying so hard, for so long, to appear normal and steady.
I’ve got a lot of work to do.