Category: seven weeks

Day Nineteen

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bloodmn

I think I have a cold. It is the first day of illness this year. Blech!

Last night was the first of four blood moon eclipses we will be able to see over the next eighteen months. We didn’t see it, however, because it was snowing. That’s right; today Detroit woke up to 3 inches of snow – on f#%&ing April 15th – and that means we set the record for the snowiest winter season ever. We are number one! FML. Why is that a point of pride for people? Just because we didn’t break the record before last night’s snow – doesn’t mean no one would have believed us that this winter sucked a$$. Can’t we just remember that it sucked for a lot of people the world over? Never.

I swear, waking up on tax day (which really means nothing to me since I did ours like two months ago), seeing three inches of snow, the temperature outside being 42° less than 24 hours ago and feeling like slow moving crap all day at work, you’d think I would fall apart in my fragile mental state. Right? Well I didn’t. It doesn’t really work like that. Today was a pretty good day despite all the cold and a strengthening cold.

I’ve been adding items to my bucket list. I hate that phrase – it makes me think of that horrible Tim Allen movie. Isn’t that who stars in it? I mean, I never saw it but ya know. That’s what pops in my head. I’ll start calling it my life list. Things to look forward to living for.

Day Eighteen

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lilyofthevalley

This is the first day I have not wanted to write my daily first. There have been days of reluctance, laziness and embarrassment (on the account of less than exciting firsts to report). But today, I am just not up for it.

The past few days I have had a sense of foreboding. It’s familiar – it happens several times a year. It feels like I am on the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something to happen. I never quite know if it is going to be good or bad, to dread it or look forward to it. Does that make sense? I am super excited for the upcoming trip to Nashville. I have spring fever like I’m a high schooler.

Day Seventeen

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apartment

This was a crazy weekend. I feel like so many of my weeks blur together and I’m not really sure what day it is. Today felt like a Sunday – and it was. It was a beautiful day here. Sunny, slightly breezy, a bit of cloud cover to keep the temperature moderate and a first taste of that famous humidity that plagues so many summer days in Michigan. For maybe a week or more I have been picturing very clearly a future home for my husband and I. Just a very specific section of a living room. I don’t know if it’s in Portland or Paris or London or Tokyo or even somewhere in the Maldives. I just know that it feels like home. I am happy and comfortable picturing it and I want to be there.

This is the first time in my memorable past (aka maybe ten-fifteen years) that I have so vividly pictured a future for myself that it feels like I am there. Like it is tactile, already my reality and I have lived it. There’s a fuzzy feeling of contentment that feels right. Maybe it was just a dream that I am remembering. Maybe my subconscious is sapping this vision from a movie or show or an immersive description in a book. But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels original, and all my own. It feels so good to be able to claim a vision of my future life. It just feels great to want a future at all.

Suicide has such an awful stigma attached to it. Unfortunately that stigma makes it hard for me to even write that I have contemplated suicide as much as I have these past few years. The first reaction of some family and friends (the grand total is eight btw) that I have spoken to is anger. A “how dare you” attitude that only compounds how shitty and nervous I feel about talking to anyone (let alone a friend who claims to love me) about these thoughts and feelings. Another reaction is disbelief – “really? you? you always have it together though. you’re so strong.” Like this is something I would lie about. If you know me enough to think me strong and together – then know me enough to believe what I am saying to you right now. One of the hardest parts when telling family and friends is you can practically feel the crazy brand being burned into your forehead. Never again do they seem to ask “how are you?” and really mean it. The questions are always direct; “how is your mom doing? how is your husband? how is your work going?” A truly, deep-down heartfelt “how are you?”  seems to be off the menu. You know what I mean right? Someone asks you something they might know the answer to but they just really want you to honestly talk to them – and whatever you say they will hear it and love you the same at the end of your answer as they did eight months ago before you branded your forehead with i’m a f#%&ing crazy mess.

I am a f#%&ing crazy mess – a fistful of it. But I also have a really clear picture of a home I want to create and exist in. I want that future and that is a really f#%&ing great first for today.

Day Sixteen

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nd412

Sixteen – I always thought this was my lucky number. Birthdate and all that. I decided today that 3 and 7 are my new lucky numbers. Anyway. On to my firsts.

I played basketball with my husband. For the first time. You don’t understand – this is a big deal. I am not one to embarrass myself by engaging in any activity that embarrasses me by showcasing my ineptitudes.

I openly spoke my mind about a few hot button family issues; for the first time.

I also drank Jack Daniels and enjoyed it for the first time.

Not a particularly enlightening day in some respects. I don’t know that I am a kinder, smarter or more successful person for having experienced these firsts – but I certainly am learning to take myself and life a little less seriously, speak my mind more openly and try things again that I had written off years ago. And if those things don’t add up to making my journey towards a kinder, smarter and more successful me in my 30th year then I don’t know that there’s any hope for me anyway.

Besides; I swear it felt really good after the crap day I had yesterday. Sometimes playing a sport you suck at, drinking a drink you normally would just barely choke down and getting a little sun on your face in the process can make for a great Saturday. A great any day.

I think it was actually a pretty great day of firsts after all.

Day Fifteen

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cherry

Today’s first – it was a bad day. Bad days have happened often these past two years but today was the first since I started this crazy excuse for a blog. It is the first time I have tried to figure out what a bad day means for me and if I can see it coming. It was a day with too much time spent in my own head. Too much time wasted ruminating on past failures and future fears. I know that days like this will come and go for the rest if my life – I just want some respite between them. More time to recover, to come back to the real world and see and hear and breath. I don’t know how else to describe it other then like being lost. Today I was lost and on my own.

Climbing out of depression is like a gradual lightening. You don’t really notice it at first, the brighter light ahead in the trees. But soon there is a distinct glow just before you. It’s there, and before you know it you are surrounded by the light and not entirely sure why you were lingering in the dark for so long. You enjoy the light, revel in it, share it with loved ones and excitedly make plans for your future. You acknowledge the possiblity of a successful and contented future. You get out more, sleep better, you can focus your mind with ease and are more comfortable accepting your fewer but growing strengths along with your still myriad weaknesses. The trouble comes when you’ve been lost a few times, for a little too long – you start to fear the light because you realize how quickly it can end – how quickly you can find yourself back in the shadows of your own mind.

The darkness we create for ourselves is the most frightening, we know what we are most afraid of, our past regrets, our secrets, our thoughts we are too ashamed to share. We are our own best tormentors. The point of all of this open introspection is to have fewer bad days. To understand and try to deter them. Also to be realistic and accept them as they come – but to be prepared to recover quickly and move on in the surrounding light. Today was a bad day, but I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

Day Fourteen

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macarons

Tonight marks my first fortnight of blogging, of this experiment in finding my voice (which sounds so f#%&ing cheesy), of trying to figure out exactly what and whom I am and want to be. Today I did a lot of thinking. Thinking about why I say yes to people, to events, to work commitments when I want to say no. Why do I do this? Am I a “yes man”? I don’t want to be in the traditional corporate dog sense – yet I do like to help people around me, I like to please people. Today I chose to once again help a family member for a few hours instead of researching potential money making career paths to get our future move rolling along. I want to help when I can, but I need to focus on my future, my happiness, my today and tomorrow. Today I also tentatively agreed to complete two websites for a family member and one of their friends. I don’t want to be a web designer. I don’t want to cold call people that I don’t know to complete a task for which I have no particular love or passion. I know this and I still said yes.

Wtf? Why is no such a hard thing to say sometimes?

But saying yes is equally difficult. Saying yes to our dreams, to moving where we want, to eating food that makes us feel good mentally & physically, to setting out against the status quo. I’ve spent so much time and energy defending my decisions to go to the school I went to, to quit the cushy corporate job that was dragging me down, to never have kids of my own, to go vegan – and yes that means for life people. All this because my decisions have not been the most common, clear-cut definition of a happy and successful life. Yet I am still not saying yes to some of my most important and cherished dreams. And not to go all self-help on you – but I truly believe that I am the only one standing in the way of my own happiness. I seriously found myself searching the internet for “how to move to Paris” earlier. As I perused the blogs and sites describing other people’s experiences and tips – I had to laugh at my own ridiculousness. Really – I actually just searched for how to move to Paris – how the f#%& do you think you move to Paris you idiot – you sell what you can, donate the rest, pack a couple of bags and buy a plane ticket.

Today’s first is practicing saying yes when I mean yes, and no when I mean no. It’s so simple. It’s harder then it sounds.

Day Thirteen

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clouds blog

Ah, lucky thirteen. I wonder what my lucky number is. There is probably some form of astrology, zodiac or something out there that would tell me. This year I am making it 30 because – well you know. Maybe just 3 in general could be my number.

Okay, so my first today is starting Game of Thrones. We tried watching it before but I do not really remember the first episode – so I’m counting it as a first watch. It was good – promising, but no True Detective. Then again True Detective had eight episodes, not sixty. I feel like I’m jumping on the bandwagon kind of late – but if it actually deserves the praise and ratings then it will be worth it.

I’ve always felt a slight annoyance in enjoying popular shows, movies, bands and books. Don’t get me wrong; I love the rush of thousands of fans singing their favorite lyrics in unison at a concert, the camaraderie of fans attending midnight shows to watch their favorite characters on the big screen and the excited chatter of a few friends discussing the latest installment of a great book series. It just feels like we spend a lot of time talking about how many episodes of such-and-such we’ve seen and not enough asking how we are doing. Shouldn’t we be talking about life? Shouldn’t we be asking how we are really doing, what and where we want to be and supporting each other through the ups and downs that come along with the journey? I do have those friends – the ones who will do anything when asked, will always pick up the phone and will always, always say I am totally right – even when I’m not. And I am lucky that I do – I just feel like so many relationships become shallower with time instead of deeper.

Maybe that’s just life. I don’t want every conversation to be a brooding, existential and introspective one – but maybe the daily minutiae is best left alone? I don’t know – I hate to sound bitchy. I just feel like as we get older, as we grow, see more of the world and understand our dreams and desires more – shouldn’t we be able to express and share more with friends? Not less? Wow, I just should-ed all over the place. It’s a dangerous word – I should use it less.

Day Twelve

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tarot

Today our niece turned four. Time is slipping by so quickly.

We really need to focus on our future and living how we want to live. One of my favorite mantras lately is the opening lines to Primal Scream’s Loaded. It just loops through my head sometimes. Today’s first is starting my bucket list. It begins with locations around the world that I want to live at some point in my life. Anywhere in Japan, London, Paris, an island somewhere, New Zealand. Taking trips and taking family on trips around the world. Taking our nieces to Disney World for their first time, taking them everywhere and showing them everything. I want to learn about so much. I want to learn languages, how to read the tarot, archery, any mma or tae know do.

I have so much living to do it’s kind of intimidating; but that’s the best part. Now I just need to start.

“Just what is it that you want to do?

We wanna be free

We wanna be free to do what we wanna do

And we wanna get loaded

And we wanna have a good time

That’s what we’re gonna do”

Day Eleven

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fearful trees

Happy National Beer/World Health Day! Awesome. The best part is that National Beer Day has been unofficially celebrated since 1933 – World Health Day came around in 1948. Just sayin. We will be cheers-ing National Beer/World Health Day with a couple of tall boys while we watch The World’s End and burn some calories laughing. It’s gonna be good.

Day Eleven and I am worried that my firsts are pretty weak. Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy that I am consciously making an effort to read up on new-to-me topics, plan and get excited for events, and most especially to push to see myself and others differently. It’s just – shouldn’t I be skydiving or taking public speaking classes or something? I don’t know.

Today I made my first serious attempt at taking on the fears that cripple me sometimes. I made a long, long list of the fears I have. Some I’m sure I forgot, others I have simply not even recognized yet. I want to add to the list when I think to – but mostly I want to recognize that I have these fears and work through them. Fears of being a disappointment in work, marriage, family. Fears of my body image, how others see and hear me, how I feel like I have no qualifications whatsoever. Some are so utterly ridiculous it’s crazy – yet knowing this does not stop the fear.

There are so many affirmations, quotes and mantras out there about fear and conquering it; but honestly – the wiki article is much more intriguing then any of these. Fear is an emotion induced by a threat perceived by living entities, which causes a change in brain and organ function and ultimately a change in behavior, such as running away, hiding or freezing from traumatic events. Because fear is more complex then just forgetting or deleting memories,  an active and successful approach {to overcoming fear} involves people repeatedly confronting their fears. By confronting their fears – in a safe manner – a person can suppress the fear-triggering memory or stimulus. 

Every day some of my fears will resurface, they will persist, they will drain my excitement and confidence as I endeavor to recreate myself. I just need to keep telling them to eff off. I will shine a light in the dark.

Day Ten

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davinci

At one point I looked in the mirror today and thought wow I look pretty good – and I said it out loud to my husband. I believed it – for the first time in my recent memory. I didn’t waiver and say “well except for…” or “especially since…” – I said it and it stuck and that was it. I moved on.

For the first time that I can remember I thought I looked good and said it and didn’t qualify it or take it back.

That really felt good – and it felt good to appreciate myself and move on. I didn’t even feel guilty after.

We are all such beautiful beings, beautiful creatures with amazing bodies that can think and move and feel. We breathe and convert that into life. Our bodies heal themselves when we break them. We don’t have to think about every breath, every blink, digesting every meal, converting what we put into our bodies into energy. Our bodies do that all on their own.

Our minds are free to analyze, to learn, to feel, to understand and misunderstand as we are fit. Our minds get in our way more often then our bodies do. It’s an exciting prospect to imagine what we can do if we fully control our minds and expand them. Stop all of the hating, over analyzing, worrying, holding back, dwelling, prejudices and ignorances that occupy our minds.

What would happen if we accepted ourselves and others for everything we are and are not? Now that is an exciting prospect indeed.